Category Archives: General Lunacy

The Real Vampire Diaries

November 6, 2011 Got bit by a vampire. This sucks. November 9, 2011 Wondering when I’ll start craving blood. Think I’ll hit up Pinkberry. November 11, 2011 Remember what I said about that blood thing? It’s finally started happening. The problem is, I always faint at the sight of blood. How fucked up is this? […]

Smivey Confessional #6

I turn on my voice recorder and walk into a popular European cafe. They have one of those long communal tables in the centre of the room. While the table is basically empty, I deliberately sit across from a guy eating an overpriced sandwich. He has several facial piercings, including one through his ear. I […]

How To Get A Lot of Retweets and Likes

While so many people try unsuccessfully to get their followers to retweet and “like” their posts, I’ve discovered a surefire method to guarantee success. Just follow these simple steps and you’ll be a social-media sensation. Step 1: Become famous. Are you currently famous? Great, you can move on to Step 2. If you’re not famous […]

Proper Mosquito Elimination

I suppose you’re all wondering why my home was suddenly hit with a horrific mosquito infestation. And you’ll have to continue to wonder, ’cause I ain’t gonna tell ya. What I will do is share with you my incredible tips for getting rid of mosquitos and other flying insects—once and for all. You will need […]

The Art of Sensual Gum Massage

While many may associate sensual massage with the arms, legs, thighs, buttocks and boobies, there is an often overlooked area of the human body that is bursting with erogenous zones. I am speaking, of course, of the gums. Now to some of you who didn’t read the title of this blog entry, this may come […]

That Stage

I’ve come to that stage in my life where I just want to buy a small house with a lawn. Not that I love lawns. I just have this incredible urge to yell at kids to stay the hell off my lawn. But first I need a lawn. Otherwise, I would just look insane.

Scary Christmas

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. With the kids jingle-belling and everyone telling you “be of good cheer” Now wait just a damn second. Look, I know this song is a holiday classic, but the lyrics are pretty half-assed, don’t you think? Kids jingle-belling? Really? What exactly does that look like? Does he […]

Uncommon Courtesy

Sorry, I’ve been very busy with work and whatnot lately. Not much creativity left at the end of the day. That said, I watched Marie Antoinette the other night and it got me to thinking: In the film, when the ladies approach someone, they lower their eyes, grab their dress and curtsey. I’m not talking […]

Umbrella With A Raincoat

It’s October and, of course, that means rain. It also means it’s time to pull out my stylish H&M automatic umbrella. For $16, it’s pretty nice. Not only does it shrink down to a convenient, pocketable size, it’s black, and I don’t have to tell you, anything black is cool. A button on the handle […]

At a loss for words

Just last week, my stalker and I were at the Beverly Center, attempting to look like we could afford things there. On our way down the escalators, I noticed two teenagers in front of us wearing Ed Hardy clothing from head to toe (they even had on Ed Hardy tennis shoes). “Look,” I whispered to […]