It’s the most wonderful time of the year.
With the kids jingle-belling
and everyone telling you “be of good cheer”
Now wait just a damn second.
Look, I know this song is a holiday classic, but the lyrics are pretty half-assed, don’t you think? Kids jingle-belling? Really? What exactly does that look like? Does he mean they’re singing Jingle Bells? Then I suppose they’re also Frosty-the-Snowmaning and Ruldolph-The-Red-Nosed-Reindeering. OK, point made. Moving on…
It’s the hap-happiest season of all
With those holiday greetings and gay happy meetings
What the fuck? “Gay happy meetings”? Sorry, I can’t let that one go. Yes, I know, this song was written back when the word “gay” only meant “happy.” So, if that’s the case, what’s with the redundancy? Not to mention the fact that he used the word “happy” two lines in a row. Is there no other word for “happy”? What about “joyous” or “cheerful”? Or why not just go with “wonderful meetings,” which would actually fit the song better. Anyhow, it’s a great tune. Please, don’t let me interrupt.
There’ll be parties for hosting
Marshmallows for toasting
And caroling out in the snow
There’ll be scary ghost stories
And tales of the glories of
Christmases long, long ago
Ah, now this brings me back. I remember how every Christmas, after we hung our stockings by the chimney with care, we’d turn out the lights and illuminate our faces with flashlights, taking turns telling Christmas ghost stories. One of my favourites was about a reindeer that got very sick during the long trip around the world (some versions of the story say it’s Vixen. Others, Prancer). Santa was in too much of a hurry to deal with it, so he just cut the sucker loose. They say that every Christmas eve, long after Santa has made his rounds, you can still hear that reindeer convulsing and moaning on the roof, as if it was begging for the angel of death to have mercy on its soul.
Think that’s frightening? One time, my father actually hired someone to climb up on the roof and flail around up there to add to the horror of the story. The next year, he had us look out the window to see four stiff reindeer legs sticking out of the snow. Needless to say, we cried ourselves to sleep that night. Ha. Yeah, I miss those days. Maybe it really is the hap-happiest season of all. Anyhow, I’ve got some vegetarian marshmallows to toast. I hope you all have a very scary Christmas and an exceptional new year.