May-9-15

The Real Vampire Diaries

posted by Smivey

November 6, 2011

Got bit by a vampire. This sucks.

November 9, 2011

Wondering when I’ll start craving blood. Think I’ll hit up Pinkberry.

November 11, 2011

Remember what I said about that blood thing? It’s finally started happening. The problem is, I always faint at the sight of blood. How fucked up is this?

November 13, 2011

Almost killed a cat. Too gross. Need blood. Might try breaking into a blood bank.

November 14, 2011

This sleeping-in-the-day-and-coming-out-at-night thing has really fucked my system. Been constipated for days. Thought about going to the doctor, but what am I supposed to say,I got bit by a vampire and I’m constipated? Where is someone with a wooden stake when you need them?

December 2, 2011

Hey, sorry I haven’t written in a while. I tried fasting to get rid of the vampire blood in me. Didn’t work. Just made me crave blood even more. Ended up killing a cat. Wasn’t worth it. Threw up right in the middle of it. Sorry, Buttons.

December 4, 2011

Ordered a steak “blue rare.” Wasn’t bloody enough. Ended up killing the chef. His blood tasted a little off. Gave me heartburn.

December 12, 2011

Well, a lot has happened. I met a great girl. Went for a moonlight stroll on the beach. She added me to her Facebook. Then I killed her. I loved her. Delicious. Wish I could find more like her.

December 25, 2011

Was feeling depressed, being Christmas night and all. I was just lying there in my open coffin, reading my Kindle, when I heard the faint sound of carollers. I sat up, and went to the door. There they were, walking towards my home in that caroller way. The music was getting louder. Suddenly, I kind of felt like the Grinch and my heart grew 10 sizes that day. I opened the door and they smiled, singing at me. It brought a tear to my eye. I invited them all in for a warm cup of eggnog—and then killed them all. Stupid carollers. I didn’t have any fucking eggnog.

February, 8, 2012

Hey, sorry I haven’t written in a while. I’m a fucking vampire. Give me a break. I’m a little on edge. I haven’t had any decent blood in weeks. Didn’t realise it but different blood types have different tastes. In vampire circles—yes, there are vampire circles—the O-negative blood is most sought after. You can buy it on the internet, if you know where to go, but it isn’t cheap, and you have no idea what you’re getting. It’s not like there’s any fucking government regulations on blood sales. Tried to kill and drink the blood of a shyster vampire who sold me some bogus blood. That was not a good idea. Oh, don’t get me wrong, the blood was great. But it didn’t kill him and it only made me want blood twice as much. Also, kind of pissed off most of the vampire community.

February 14, 2012

OK, really hating life now. Tried to commit suicide by running outside in the daytime. Felt my skin burning. Hurt like hell. That was it. No steam coming off of my body. No dropping to my knees. It just felt like someone turned the sun up to 11. Went back inside. Now I’m embarrassed to go out at night. My skin is bright red. The other vamps will probably make fun of me.

February 19, 2012

Remember what I said about the other vamps? They now call me “Red.” I thought my extreme sunburn would go away in a few days. It hasn’t. What really pisses me off is when another vamp comes up to me and slaps me on the back. That fucking hurts. Currently devising a self-staking machine. Tried running into a wooden stake I nailed to a wall. Turns out, wood isn’t that sharp. Fucking hurt, but did’t even pierce my skin. Splinters don’t count, apparently, because there were a lot of them. Ouch.

February 28, 2012

Well, turns out you need a fucking engineering degree to build a contraption that drives a stake through your heart. It’s not something you can just call a handyman for. I attempted to build an iron maiden out of wood, but ran into trouble with getting the cover to close on me. I tried getting in and rocking the Wooden Maiden™ back and forth, in an attempt to get it to fall forward, forcing the cover closed underneath me. It fell forward, all right, but with the door open. Ended up breaking my nose and losing a tooth. Unfortunately, the tooth I lost was one of my fangs.

Come to think of it, who’s to say that this stake-through-the-heart thing works? I mean, the turning-to-ash-in-sunlight was bullshit. Maybe I’ve been wasting my time. Might consider just trying to blow myself up.

March 31, 2012

OK, the blowing-myself-up idea turned out to be a bad one. The leader of the vampire circle heard about my plans and had me taken in for observation. He considered me to be a danger to myself. Are you serious? I’m a fucking immortal vampire! Why didn’t Anne Rice write about this shit? Fuck me.

April 15, 2012

Well, I’m out of the vampire mental ward, but my thoughts of taking my own life haven’t changed. I’ve just been careful to keep them to myself. I’m too much of a pussy to buy explosives and strap them to my body, so my big plan is to find out where they’re going to demolish a building, pose as one of the safety crew and just hang out in there and wait for the big bang. If you don’t hear from me, you’ll know I succeeded.

June 9, 2012

You have got to fucking be kidding me. Can’t a guy blow himself up in peace? I did everything I said I was gonna do. I found a demolition crew in Las Vegas, killed one of the workers, put on his clothes and went into the building to check it out. Once I knew everyone was out of the building, I sat down on the floor and waited for the boom. And what a boom it was. Holy shit. There was fire everywhere and things falling on top of me. Then everything went black. Two hours later, I woke up, rose out of the rubble, dusted myself off and limped away, hair singed and ears ringing.

June 19, 2012

Well, I found out why all the vamps have been making fun of me so much. It wasn’t the fact that my skin was red, it was because I’ve been wearing a white shirt, red sash and a medallion. I thought that was what we were supposed to wear, mostly because that’s what the vamps told me to wear. Incidentally, they’ve also been making fun of me because I’ve been referring to them as “vamps.” Thinking about moving to another state, but thanks to the internet, it really doesn’t matter where I move. Word will get out and it will be the same story. I just ate a rat, by the way.

August 8, 2012

I met this hot vampire chick at the last meeting and we really hit it off. We liked the same authors, same blood and we watched the same TV shows. Anyhow, she might  be my way back into the vampire community. We’ll see.

September 2, 2012

I came over to my girlfriend’s place with a bottle of AB-negative and two wine glasses. I turned on the TV.  She came out with two glasses brimming with blood. We clinked glasses and I took a deep gulp of the blood. Suddenly, my throat was burning. I gasped for air. That’s when I started to hear the laughter.

As my eyes began to water and I fell on floor, the entire vampire community came out to look down at me and laugh. They had spiked my blood with super-hot sauce, the kind that comes with a warning label. They made me beg for a glass of milk, which I had to lick out of bowl like a cat. The leader of the community pet my head with his cold hand to further humiliate me. It took every ounce of strength I had to not turn around and rip his throat out. To make matters worse, the milk was non-fat. Bleh.

October 19, 2012

Found a group that claims vampirism is just an extreme form of addiction, much like you would get addicted to alcohol or reality TV. They say they have a program that can help me kick the habit, but they warn me that the DTs for blood addiction can be extremely severe. At this point, I’m willing to try anything. Oh, did I tell you that the vampire community has started calling me “Fang,” on the account that I only have one fang. They are ruthless.

October 25, 2012

entered blud detox few days go. horrible. feel pain in lpaces i never have b4. been like this for a wile. want to di. wish was ded. just thru up what look like tiny demon baby. wtf is happeing? fukc! if sombody walkt in i wood prbly kil thm, even fi it was my own famly!

October 28, 2012

Well, that was bullshit. Turns out, the blood-detox program was a big scam. It was actually a front for an underground vampire-videos ring. They were filming me in agony the entire time. They strapped me down to a bed and watched me suffer. Then, when I couldn’t take it anymore, some guy came in wearing a suit of armor and made me beg for a drop of blood. Right now, there are a bunch of perverts watching me flipping out and getting off on it. What kind of sickos are into this shit? Incidentally, I went back and murdered everyone at the detox center. It had to be done.

October 31, 2012

Fuck Halloween.

November 6, 2012

It’s been a year since I started writing in my diary. So, I think it’s a good time to stop. I thought this would actually make me feel better, but it’s hasn’t. I can only imagine what might happen if someone managed to find this and post it on the internet. I’ll be sure to put it in a safe place.

 

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  1. Lj Said,

    >:p

  2. Anna Said,

    Funny!

  3. Smivey Said,

    Thanks, Anna. It’s actually from a while ago. I recently fixed a typo and it moved to the top.

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