While many may associate sensual massage with the arms, legs, thighs, buttocks and boobies, there is an often overlooked area of the human body that is bursting with erogenous zones. I am speaking, of course, of the gums. Now to some of you who didn’t read the title of this blog entry, this may come as a surprise. And all I have to say to those people is, read the fucking title!
Sorry. I’ve been under a lot of stress lately. Work has been overwhelming and, well, frankly, I just haven’t been myself. I changed my name to Sasha about six months ago and I started speaking with an obscure accent. Every day, I bring my lunch to the office and I make sure it’s something that looks weird and smells foul. I haven’t shaved—anywhere—since I changed my name. I’m not really sure why I did this, or why my employer still continues to employ me, but it’s really not important. You’re here to learn about sensual gum massage, so let’s get to it.
To begin, guide your lover to your gum-massage table. If you don’t have a gum-massage table yet, you can make do with a chair that has a reclining headrest. Don’t have a chair with a reclining headrest? Fuck, you are really making this difficult for me. Just figure something out. Use the damn couch, for all I care. And if you don’t have a couch, just kill yourself. The rest of us would like to get on with the massage.
Hey, sorry about that. I don’t really want you to kill yourself. You’re a good person. Maybe I shouldn’t be writing this right now. When I changed my name, I also decided that I wouldn’t change my clothes for a year, and well, the smell is really starting to get to me. Is it possible to faint from body odour? I think I’m close. Anyhow, back to the massage.
Once you’ve got your lover on the gum-massage table, you’ll want to gently—very gently—pull the bottom lip down and tape it to your lover’s chin. The cool air awakens the gum line and prepares your lover for the incredible sensations that are to come. Next, you’ll want to pull back the upper lip and tape it to your lover’s nose. It’s imperative here that you use professional lip tape. Using something like masking or cellophane tape could cause damage and will be rather uncomfortable to remove. I buy mine in bulk from Amazon.com.
At this time, you should have your lover’s lips securely taped open and the gums titillatingly exposed. I know you’re probably dying to dive in, but before you start sticking your fingers in someone’s mouth, you need to take some precautions. First, make sure your fingernails are trimmed down—all the way down. After all, you’re going to be dealing with very sensitive tissue, here, and nothing can spoil the mood faster than an unintentional laceration. Next, you’re going to want to throughly wash your fingers—but not with soap. Remember, you’re trying to reward, not punish your lover. I soak my fingers in a solution of blue Listerine® and crushed cloves. It sterilises the fiingers and makes them taste all minty and clove-y.
You’re also going to need some massage oil. Don’t bother with those store-bought gum-massage oils. They’re a ripoff. You can make your own with a base of extra-virgin olive oil, a drop of clove oil and just a pinch of dried and finely ground deer penis. You can find the deer penis at your local Chinese herbalist. It’s expensive, but a little goes a long way. Also makes for a delightful salad topping.
Now then, lower both of your pinky fingers into the massage oil and make sure they’re nicely coated. Pat off the excess oil on a finger towel, then place the tips of your fingers just above the upper front teeth. Don’t go straight for the molar area, pervert. Use some self-control. Build anticipation. Slowly work your way back using tiny circular motions until your lover is literally wriggling in ecstasy. For the lower gum line, I prefer to use my thumbs. Use the same small, circular motions in the front and then use your pinkies for the rear area.
Once your lover gets comfortable with the idea of receiving a sensual gum massage, you may want to consider adding a light Waterpik-ing or perhaps a refreshing tongue wrap made by soaking a standard tongue sock in iced peppermint tea. Speaking of peppermint, I also like to sometimes place shreds of the leaf on the gum line at the end of the massage. Not only does it freshen the breath, it leaves the gums with a delightful youthful glow, kind of like Meg Ryan in her heyday.
Anyhow, those are the basics. The professionals, of course, use much more advanced techniques (slipping warm pebbles between the lip and gums, for instance), but those methods are not for amateurs. Just keep it simple and follow the instructions above, and before you know it, your lover will be putty in your finger tips—or my name isn’t Sasha.