Smivey Confessional #6

posted by Smivey

I turn on my voice recorder and walk into a popular European cafe. They have one of those long communal tables in the centre of the room. While the table is basically empty, I deliberately sit across from a guy eating an overpriced sandwich. He has several facial piercings, including one through his ear. I smile at him. He tries to ignore me, but he’s visibly uncomfortable with the situation.

SMIVEY: “Hey.”

He doesn’t say a word. Maybe he thinks I’m speaking to someone else at the table—only there is no one else at the table. I raise my voice a tad:

SMIVEY: “Hey!”

He looks up at me slowly, his brow furrowed.

SMIVEY: “I eat gelatine.”

GUY: “Uh huh.”

He goes back to eating his sandwich.

SMIVEY: “Well, the thing is, I’m supposed to be a vegetarian.”

He ignores me, eating a little faster.

SMIVEY: “You do know what gelatine is, right?”

He looks up at me and stops, mid-chew.

SMIVEY: “It’s boiled bones. I mean, well, it’s that film that builds up on top of the water when you boil bones. They make fucking Jell-O with that shit. Can you believe it?”

He looks down and continues to eat, not saying a word.

SMIVEY: “It’s in all kinds of stuff, you know? Marshmallows, Skittles, Starbursts, even some yoghurt.”

GUY: “Hey. Buddy. Enough with the gelatine, OK? Did you even order anything?”

SMIVEY: “For the most part, I do try to avoid it. I won’t eat marshmallows or Skittles, but I can’t give up my Starburst fruit chews.”

The guy gets up and walks over to me, resting his hand roughly on my shoulder.

GUY: “Look, as far as I can tell, you’ve got some kind of mental deficiency, so I’m gonna try to be nice about this. I haven’t had a good day. I’m trying to enjoy my fuckin’ sandwich in peace. Now, unless you want to sit here quietly, I suggest you move over to one of the other 15 fucking tables currently empty. Got it?”

SMIVEY: “To be honest, I do sometimes eat fish, so I’m not really a vegetarian, I suppo—

That’s about all I could get out before the guy slammed my face into the beautiful reclaimed-wood table (unfinished, for a more rustic look!). I’m told he managed to slam my head against that table about three times before he could be restrained. I blacked out after the second time.

When I regained consciousness, I found myself in the back of the restaurant with paramedics surrounding me. The manager was so apologetic for my bad experience, he gave me a coupon for a free meal and even a bag of their famous brownies to take to the hospital. Of course, I couldn’t eat them. And it wasn’t just because I had most of my teeth knocked out. No, these particular brownies were Rocky Road, which means they had nuts in them… and marshmallows—motherfucking gelatine strikes again.

  1. Lj Said,

    LOL. Awesome

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