Umbrella With A Raincoat

It’s October and, of course, that means rain. It also means it’s time to pull out my stylish H&M automatic umbrella. For $16, it’s pretty nice. Not only does it shrink down to a convenient, pocketable size, it’s black, and I don’t have to tell you, anything black is cool. A button on the handle pops the umbrella open in less than a second. Push the button again and the umbrella retracts. Well, it retracts most of the way. You still need to push the damn thing back into the handle, which can take some effort. Nevertheless, it’s a nice umbrella and it does a good job. I have just one minor complaint: the stupid umbrella condom.

Yes, like most compact umbrellas, my H&M model comes with a nylon sleeve to store it in. The only problem with this is, it’s a pain in the ass to wrap up the umbrella tight enough to get it back into the stupid sleeve, and it’s next to impossible to do this without looking like I’m giving a sex-ed demonstration to a bunch of giggling 5th graders.

What exactly is this stupid sheathe supposed to be protecting my umbrella from anyway? Water? Dust? STDs? It makes no sense. The umbrella sleeve is made of the same material as the umbrella itself, which means if you’re in a hurry and grab the umbrella without looking, you might find yourself ejecting a fully-sheathed umbrella up over your head. It won’t expand to shield you from the rain. It’ll just stay up there, wound up tight, calling attention to how stupid you are.

There’s really no cool way to recover from such a mistake. You could curse the umbrella (“What the? This stupid piece of shit!”). But no one’s going to buy that. You could quickly lower the umbrella down and pretend it’s some kind of weird looking cane. Or you could grab the center of it and spin it around like you’re a master of the martial arts.

For the record, none of these ideas will work. I’ve tried them all. In fact, the last time I tried the martial-arts idea, a gang of 7-year-olds beat the living shit out of me. Fortunately, I was rescued by a troupe of Girl Scouts who just happened to be passing by. When I asked how I could repay them, they said I should purchase the rest  of their Girl Scout cookies. Well, $350 later, I’m finally home and safe—with a motherfucking year’s supply of Do-Si-Dos®.  The Umbrella Condom sucks.

Comments 4

  1. Alek wrote:

    That’s why I try and avoid using new umbrellas for as long as possible, which does kind of defeat the purpose of buying them. But…they look so neat. It’s like when you buy boxed food only to discover that you’ll never be able to make it look like the picture on the front. Well, kind of.

    Posted 21 Oct 2009 at 9:22 am
  2. Smivey wrote:

    Good point, Alek. The problem with trying to make the boxed food look like the package is, I don’t like to consume shellac and all the other crap food stylist use to make stuff look good.

    Posted 21 Oct 2009 at 11:20 am
  3. Pip wrote:

    You could try using an actual condom. They’re waterproof, disposable, and it is very difficult to forget one is on your umbrella. And you don’t even have to pinch the tip when you’re putting it on.

    If the brand of condoms you typically use won’t fit your umbrella, let me know and I’ll send you some of the ones I use.

    See how I did that? I inserted a “I have a giant member” joke with subtlety and class. Of course, I destroyed that subtlety by commenting on it, but hey – you can’t win ’em all.

    Posted 26 Oct 2009 at 6:37 am
  4. Smivey wrote:

    I did see what you did there. Well, played, sir. Well played.

    Posted 26 Oct 2009 at 6:39 am

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