The label on the ice cream I just purchased claims it’s so good, my taste buds will thank me for it. God, I hope not. Sure, some people can deal with that sort of thing. Not me. If my taste buds suddenly started talking, I’m pretty sure I would either run screaming out the door […]
It seems like every time I mention to a girl that I’d be a horrible father, they always disagree with me. Well, I thought it would be best to illustrate my point with the following hypothetical scenario: So there I am, sitting in my big chair, reading the morning paper (because that’s what fathers do), […]
It’s not easy to find a good dry cleaner these days. Most of them are just bogus storefronts trying to pose as actual laundering facilities. In reality, all the actual cleaning is done miles away in giant warehouses, where immigrant workers are beaten into submission with recycled wire hangers. That’s why before I trust anyone […]
Before I bought my condo, I had to sign a document. It was a warning that the property I was interested in is very close to the airport. Duh. I’ve lived in this area before. I knew about the airplane noise. Frankly, it doesn’t bother me that much. Besides, our building is supposed to get […]
It’s been over a year since I submitted my manuscript to the top publishers in New York. No one has even bothered to reply. It’s a story about unrequited love, but I won’t bore you with the rest of the plot. Anyhow, here’s a sample. Any suggestions? CHAPTER 1: ONE HOT MAMA I sashayed down […]
For years, I’ve been going to the same stylist to get my hair cut. But I’ve always felt a little weird about doing it. I mean, there I am, surrounded by women gossiping about the latest Hollywood dirt. It really makes me question my sexuality. That’s why I decided to go to a good old […]
Yesterday at the office, the subject of death came up. Now, how this came to be is really none of your business. But we finally came around to the question of how we each want to die. Most people said they wanted a peaceful death, surrounded by loved ones. Me, I don’t really care how […]
I’ve never really believed in therapy. It just seems so insincere to me. They say they want to help you, but then they have no problem cutting you off when your fifty minutes are up. So I’ve avoided therapists like the plague. Actually, I’ve avoided the plague more, since I’ve never actually had the plague. […]
As many of you know, our beloved domestic goddess, Martha Stewart, has fallen upon hard times. She’s been found guilty of the ulitmate white-collar crime: insider trading. Bad girl. But rather than just have her hand slapped like every other celebrity in this great country of ours, Ms. Stewart will be spending some time in […]
This is something I’ve never told anyone, not even the transvestite prostitute I visit each week. Okay, that sounded bad, didn’t it? It’s not like we’re having sex or anything. It’s sort of a Big Brother outreach program. We just talk about stuff and go see a movie. No, really. Fuck, I don’t know why […]