This is something I’ve never told anyone, not even the transvestite prostitute I visit each week. Okay, that sounded bad, didn’t it? It’s not like we’re having sex or anything. It’s sort of a Big Brother outreach program. We just talk about stuff and go see a movie. No, really. Fuck, I don’t know why I’m even bothering to explain this to you. What Stevie Dicks and I do together is our business.
Anyhow, back to that thing I’ve never told anyone. God, this is so embarrassing. Okay, I’m just going to put it out there. Here it goes. . . I used to do work for prop comics.
Wait, wait! Don’t go! It was a tough time in my life. I had a lot of debt from all the 900 numbers I called when I was in college. Anyhow, it wasn’t like I was hanging out with the prop comics. I just made their props.
You know, say a guy had this idea for a joke: Chicken of The Sea. There are lot of ways you can do that. I mean, you could take a rubber chicken and slap some gills on it, maybe make a little SCUBA outfit for it. But that’s too obvious. What I did was I started with a fake fish, then I slapped a chicken beak on it, and finally, I added some feathers. Chicken of The Sea, get it? Yeah, well, fuck you. It wasn’t my joke. I just made the goddamn prop.
A lot of people think that those prop comics make their own props. I mean, that’s why we laugh. The joke isn’t funny, but we laugh because we can’t believe that someone would take the time to sew individual feathers onto a fish for a five-second gag.
Speaking of which, do you have any idea how long it takes to sew 35 feathers on a stupid fish? Fifteen goddamn days. Sure, I got paid a lot of money for it, but I don’t think it was enough. I mean, it would’ve been worth it, if it was a decent gag. But, come on, Chicken of the Sea? Chicken of the fucking Sea? That fucking redheaded hack.
Anyhow, that was pretty much the last straw (this is where the comic would hold up a box of straws and take out the last one). I slave away for days and they can get all the glory? No thanks. I decided it was time to leave the biz.
See, the problem with prop comics today is they just don’t give a shit. They glue a plastic nose on a bottle of wine and hold it up and say “I’ve got a nose for wine.” What the fuck does that mean? A nose for wine? Who says that? Have you ever heard anyone utter that phrase? I certainly haven’t. Stupid motherfuckers. Well, when all else fails, you can always smash a watermelon with an oversized sledgehammer. Gets ’em every time.
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