Slapstick Deaths

Yesterday at the office, the subject of death came up. Now, how this came to be is really none of your business. But we finally came around to the question of how we each want to die. Most people said they wanted a peaceful death, surrounded by loved ones. Me, I don’t really care how I die. As long as it’s not a slapstick death.

I mean, think about Sonny Bono. He was a successful entertainer, a politician. But you know what people think about now when they think of Sonny Bono? Yeah, the guy who skied into a tree. Yes, it’s tragic, but you can’t help but smirk when you hear about it. So that’s my only concern: dying in some manner where if you added a goofy sound effect like a slide whistle, you’d have people rolling in the aisles.

So here is a list of ways in which I do not want to die:

1. Slipping on a banana peel.

2. Falling down an open manhole in the street.

3. Getting wacked in the head by a guy holding a ladder as he quickly turns around to see what’s going on.

4. Being smothered by a cream pie.

5. Jumping out of the way of a speeding car, just in the nick of time, only to turn around and see a semi truck coming at me from the opposite direction.

6. Falling off a highrise buidling and landing face first into patch of wet cement.

7. Driving an old covertible car off the highway and into a barnful of chickens.

8. Having a guy poke me in the eyes with his two fingers. Then as I put my hands over my eyes, he punches me in the stomach. When I cover my stomach, he hits me over the head with a ball peen hammer. And this goes on until I collapse and die from internal bleeding.

9. Braking just before my car goes off a cliff, leaving it teetering on the edge. Unbuckling my seatbelt to carefully get out, when a butterfly lands on the hood, and the vehicle slowly tips over and plummets into a ravine below.

10. Fighting somebody on the top of a speeding train. Knocking him down and lauging at him as I cock my gun to fire the fatal shot. He looks behind me and smiles. I turn around to see the top of a tunnel smashing into my face.

Comments 11

  1. boredhousewife wrote:

    brilliant.

    Posted 26 Aug 2004 at 7:23 pm
  2. Sean wrote:

    11. Having a piece for concrete form Wrigley Field fall on you head while eating a chilly Dog and sucking on a beer in the 7th inning stretch.

    Posted 28 Aug 2004 at 12:21 am
  3. Terry wrote:

    Great list. #9 is my favourite because of the butterfly.

    How about a heavy metal safe or an anvil or a piano falling from an office window? Surely those rate.

    Posted 28 Aug 2004 at 12:23 am
  4. Edith Maverick Folger wrote:

    I think the car to semi would be the most pathetic.

    Wow. You just nailed that one.

    Wait, that’s one–clearing the jamb in your gun (nail or otherwise) while pointing it at your face, and it goes off. Still, since it actually seems rather common, perhaps it doesn’t really rate.

    Posted 29 Aug 2004 at 2:56 am
  5. juliet wrote:

    falling off the roof onto a tree and having a branch go up your ass and spear you to death.

    i saw this medical show once where a guy fell off a tree and a branch went up his ass all the way to his intestines. they performed surgery and found that somehow the branch had managed to miss every major organ.

    poor fuck.

    Posted 08 Sep 2004 at 10:29 am
  6. smivey wrote:

    Poor fuck? Sounds like a good fuck. I mean, if you’re into tree branches and all.

    Posted 08 Sep 2004 at 2:19 pm
  7. jules wrote:

    i suppose when you think about it that way….

    Posted 09 Sep 2004 at 2:20 am
  8. Lani wrote:

    I’m in tears reading this!! It really made me laugh. Thank you so much. I love the way you write!!

    Posted 18 Nov 2004 at 3:37 pm
  9. smivey wrote:

    It’s never too late to leave a comment, Lani. I get them all. And you’re welcome.

    Posted 18 Nov 2004 at 4:06 pm
  10. Joe wrote:

    A friend told me about this entry yesterday and I’m glad she did. It’s one of the funniest things I’ve read in a while. Great blog. Keep up the good work!

    Posted 02 Dec 2004 at 4:34 pm
  11. Smivey wrote:

    Thanks, Joe. Glad you enjoyed it.

    Posted 02 Dec 2004 at 5:07 pm

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