Before I bought my condo, I had to sign a document. It was a warning that the property I was interested in is very close to the airport. Duh. I’ve lived in this area before. I knew about the airplane noise. Frankly, it doesn’t bother me that much. Besides, our building is supposed to get double-pane glass installed very soon. I can live with it till then.

What I can’t live with, however, are the noises coming out of this dying cat somewhere in the building. From the crack of dawn and on through the night, this fucking feline makes the most annoying moaning sounds I’ve ever heard: “Oww Oww Oww Oww Oww.” That’s the only thing that comes out of its mouth. There’s no “Mee” preceding the “Oww,” as you might expect. It’s just the “Oww” part. That’s why I think it was injured. Maybe someone cut off its “Mee.”

Then again, maybe “dying” is the wrong word. “Dying” implies weak. And let me tell you, this motherfucker is LOUD. Loud enough to crack through the jet engines flying overhead. In fact, considering the decibel range this cat is capable of, I imagine it to be about the size of a walrus. An overweight walrus.

And why “Oww”? What kind of fucking cat sound is that? A tabby being gang banged by a pack of wolves would make a more comforting sound.

I swear something has got to be wrong with that cat. Perhaps it’s the result of some dastardly cloning experiment gone awry. Yeah, that’s it. Right now, it’s rolling around on the balcony with only one leg and half an eye. Patches of fur on its body. Five teeth poking out of its ass.

Or maybe its owner died and left this crazed kitten out there to die. No, if that were the case, it would be dead by now, and I wouldn’t have to sleep with my head sandwiched between two pillows (I kid you not).

Whatever the reason is for this auditory abuse, it’s got to stop. Otherwise, I’m gonna climb the side of the building, pinpoint that annoying animal and take care of business. They say there’s more than one way to skin a cat. I can attest to that. I’ve started making a list.