It’s been over a year since I submitted my manuscript to the top publishers in New York. No one has even bothered to reply. It’s a story about unrequited love, but I won’t bore you with the rest of the plot. Anyhow, here’s a sample. Any suggestions?

CHAPTER 1: ONE HOT MAMA

I sashayed down the sidewalk that night, staring at my shoes. That’s when I ran into her. I mean, literally ran into her. I really should’ve been watching where I was going. In fact, those were the first words she said to me, only not quite as eloquently: “Hey, watch it, asshole.”

I looked up and I was in love. Her eyes were the deepest brown and sparkled like two open septic tanks in the moonlight. My face flushed like an erect penis, and my anus shrank to the size of a pinhole. Never before had I laid my eyes on such a vision. I smiled at her and a thin thread of saliva appeared between my upper and lower lip. I found myself drawn to her bosom. Not because she was so well-endowed. Because there was a large mole right in the middle of her cleavage. It had a long hair growing out of it, which seemed to dance as she spoke. When she told me her name, I nearly melted: “Helga.”

Helga. When she said it, she expelled a scent from her mouth that made my eyes water. I wasn’t sure what she had eaten, but without a laboratory analysis, I would venture to guess the excrement of a dead cow. And yet I wanted more.