Did ya ever hear about that guy who got caught having his way with a Hickory Farms smoked cheese log? I mean, you’ve got to be pretty hard up to be getting turned on by a processed dairy product. Granted, those little bumps of bacon and whatnot on its surface can be rather seductive. But […]
I’ve given this a lot of thought and I’ve decided I’m going to be a rock ‘n’ roll legend. Now, I know I’ve made similar statements before. But this time I’m fucking serious. Did you see that? I said “fucking serious” as opposed to just “serious.” That’s how goddamn serious I am. Now that we’ve […]
I don’t know how to tell you all this, so I might as well start at the beginning. I mean, I could start at the ending, but then all of you would be wondering what the fuck I was talking about. Out of context, you might think a shaved mule in my bathtub would be […]
After writing this blog for over a year, I feel it’s time I came clean. I know I claim to be just an advertising copywriter. But the truth is, I’m one of the greatest writers who ever lived, in my head. Yes, in my head, I have three novels currently on the best seller list, […]
1. Give her a dozen long stems. That’s it. Just the stems. But make sure you have the thorns removed first. Don’t want to seem like an insensitive prick. 2. Side-by-side burial plots with matching grave markers. Till death do us part? Who says it has to end there? Show her you’re in this for […]
This Valentine’s Day, give your lady something she’ll never forget: a piece-of-shit, heart-shaped diamond pendant cleverly concealed in an equally crappy box of chocolates. Yes, as if the luster of the pinhead-sized gemstone wasn’t enough, the lousy box of candy will confirm just how much you love her. You might expect to pay $150 for […]
About five years ago, when I was vacationing in Africa, I spent a week with the Muhalabee tribe. They were a primitive people, fashioning most of their weapons from the dung of water buffalos. Since water buffalos did not exist in Africa and were pretty much extinct, the Muhalabees took very good care of the […]
Because I have such a long commute from work, I often find myself fantasizing while driving. I thought I’d share one of them with you today: It’s 5:30 p.m. I’m on the road and I look around and I see. . . nothing. Not a fucking car in sight. Do I get scared? No. I […]