Did ya ever hear about that guy who got caught having his way with a Hickory Farms smoked cheese log? I mean, you’ve got to be pretty hard up to be getting turned on by a processed dairy product. Granted, those little bumps of bacon and whatnot on its surface can be rather seductive. But let’s not forget the important thing: It’s fuckng cheese!
Okay, bad choice of words.
But, seriously, what the hell was he thinking? The least he could have done was bought the damn thing first and taken it home to get his cheese on. But to be caught in the store with your pants around your ankles and the rest of you about six inches deep in cheese, well, that’s just sick. Fucking pervert. I thought I heard everything when I read about that one.
Then I heard about the dog who tried to have sex with a horse. That was just stupid. It wasn’t even a very big dog either. One of those shit dogs. You know, whatever you call ’em. The one that sounds like you’re sneezing. Anyway, that fucking dog — again, a bad choice of words — had that horse on its back and he was going to town, fast and furious. I’m sorry, but that’s just not right. I mean, doggy style I can understand. But missionary? C’mon, give me a break. This world is going to hell in a handbasket.
I just wanna know what happened to good ol’ fashioned sex. You know, those days when a man and woman could join together as one in a tradional bed. Of course, the bed needs to be covered in plastic wrap, with the usual economy-size jar of mayonaise, a case of croutons and an eight-ounce jar of molasses close at hand.
I’m just kidding about the molasses. That would be disgusting. Peanut butter, sure. Chocolate syrup? Maybe. A large package of those tiny colored marshmallows? Absofuckinglutely.
I don’t know. Maybe I’m just too uptight about things. I should just loosen up, let a few farm animals into the bedroom, reconsider the use of kitchen utensils, discover the pleasure of fire ants. I mean, I might not be into that stuff. But that’s no reason to deny my partner those kinds of pleasures. I just wish I wasn’t such a conservative fuck — again, a poor choice of words.
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