Rock ‘n’ Roll Legend

I’ve given this a lot of thought and I’ve decided I’m going to be a rock ‘n’ roll legend. Now, I know I’ve made similar statements before. But this time I’m fucking serious. Did you see that? I said “fucking serious” as opposed to just “serious.” That’s how goddamn serious I am.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, I guess I better start figuring out what kind of legend I’m gonna be. Well if we’re talking about real rock ‘n’ roll, there aren’t many options. You’ve got your guitar, your drums and your keyboards. Bass? C’mon, name one rock ‘n’ roll legend who plays bass. Sting? I said rock ‘n’ roll legend, you jackass. Sting may be a legend, but he’s no rock ‘n’ roll legend. Stick to the fucking program, okay?

Let’s figure this out. I don’t know the first fucking thing about playing drums. Seems like a lot of hard work, too. So that’s out. Keyboards? Well, I ‘d have to play two different things at the same time. And that sounds pretty fucking hard to do. So screw that. That leaves one option. That’s right, guitar! Good! You’ve been paying attention. Give yourself a gold star.

The cool thing about being a rock ‘n’ roll guitar legend is I already know some chords. I can even play a few simple songs. I can’t finger pick worth a shit, though. So I guess I need to work on that. But who the fuck finger picks these days, anyway? No rock ‘n’ rollers, that’s for sure. Fuck finger picking. I’ll stick to the strumming. I’m gonna be the best fucking rhythm guitarist ever.

Think about it. There are tons of rock ‘n’ roll legends out there who play lead guitar, but how many play rhythm? None that I can think of. All I gotta do is be a kick ass rhythm guitarist. I’ll be to rhythm guitar what Flea is to bass. . . Ah, fuck. There goes that theory out the window. Pretend I didn’t say that.

Anyhow, I can see it now. I’d have this band, but instead of breaking for a lead guitar solo, they’d break to hear me play this kick ass rhythm. They’d be like, “Holy shit, that guy can play!” And I’d just be strumming away, never missing a beat, not doing any fancy finger moves or anything, Just working those strings, muffling them sometimes, then letting them twang open. Maybe I’d kick on my cry-baby wha pedal and start jamming out some old-school 70s porn shit. Ahhh yeah. You can hear it, can’t you? Am I kicking ass or what? Man, I am the best motherfucking rhythm guitarist in the whole goddamn world!

—–

Okay, you know what I was saying about being a rock ‘n’ roll legend? Well, maybe that wasn’t such a good idea. I just picked up my guitar, grabbed the pick out from under the strings and started jamming away. Then I heard something I hadn’t heard before: this odd sound coming out of my guitar. I stopped playing and checked it out. It wasn’t out of tune. The neck wasn’t warped. There was only one explanation: I suck. Not just suck. But suck really bad. I suck so bad that I sound better when the guitar is out of tune. Yeah. That bad. So, really, the guitar legend thing is out. I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking. Seriously. Just let it go. Apply myself? Hello, I’m almost forty! Apply myself. Apply this! Everyone, just go home, all right? I don’t wanna talk about it. . . Shit.

Comments 14

  1. boredhousewife wrote:

    i might be tone deaf, but you’re pretty good with the ole g’tar.

    and stuff.

    Posted 22 May 2004 at 9:05 am
  2. smivey wrote:

    You probably were playing my music at the wrong speed. Sometimes that helps too.

    Posted 22 May 2004 at 2:23 pm
  3. names wrote:

    mid-life crisis. i should know. i’m turning 20 soon.

    Posted 22 May 2004 at 5:35 pm
  4. wens wrote:

    You know U2, for the most part, learned their instruments *after* they decided to be rock and roll legends… Maybe you should just write Bono a note–he does a lot of work for the disadvantaged, and see if he’ll take you on as sort of a mini project that doesn’t require any UN visits!

    Posted 22 May 2004 at 6:05 pm
  5. smivey wrote:

    That’s a very good point, wens. It certainly explains why “The Edge” relies on so many effects pedals when he plays.

    Posted 22 May 2004 at 6:39 pm
  6. wens wrote:

    ooooooo thems fightin’ words, son!

    Posted 22 May 2004 at 7:48 pm
  7. smivey wrote:

    Yes, I may be the only person in SoCal who does not own a U2 album. . . Okay, okay, I’ve got Joshua Tree on vinyl, damn it. But I don’t have my record player hooked up, so it doesn’t count!

    Posted 22 May 2004 at 10:21 pm
  8. boredhousewife wrote:

    vinyl.
    oh you mean those big black disc thingies??

    Posted 24 May 2004 at 4:53 am
  9. B² wrote:

    Instrument? Play? Music? Fuck that! I think you should skip all that and just go directly to rock ‘n’ roll legend. But not, like, Eric Clapton because the chicks would be hip to that. Maybe someone less recognizable, like T. Rex or something.

    Posted 24 May 2004 at 10:45 am
  10. eggberto wrote:

    http://www.behemothagency.com/smivey.m3u

    fyi

    Posted 24 May 2004 at 8:04 pm
  11. Smivey wrote:

    Yes, I could easily delete that URL, but I won’t. It’s important to get my point across (how badly I suck).

    Posted 24 May 2004 at 10:00 pm
  12. wens wrote:

    whatever. I’ve sucked harder than that.

    musically, that is.

    Posted 24 May 2004 at 11:58 pm
  13. smivey wrote:

    [awkward silence] Uh, uh. . . Yeah, musically. Duh. Heheh. What else would you mean?

    Posted 25 May 2004 at 2:37 am
  14. wens wrote:

    you know, lollipops and stuff…

    yep.

    lollipops.

    Posted 02 Jun 2004 at 6:41 am

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