I’ve given this a lot of thought and I’ve decided I’m going to be a rock ‘n’ roll legend. Now, I know I’ve made similar statements before. But this time I’m fucking serious. Did you see that? I said “fucking serious” as opposed to just “serious.” That’s how goddamn serious I am.
Now that we’ve got that out of the way, I guess I better start figuring out what kind of legend I’m gonna be. Well if we’re talking about real rock ‘n’ roll, there aren’t many options. You’ve got your guitar, your drums and your keyboards. Bass? C’mon, name one rock ‘n’ roll legend who plays bass. Sting? I said rock ‘n’ roll legend, you jackass. Sting may be a legend, but he’s no rock ‘n’ roll legend. Stick to the fucking program, okay?
Let’s figure this out. I don’t know the first fucking thing about playing drums. Seems like a lot of hard work, too. So that’s out. Keyboards? Well, I ‘d have to play two different things at the same time. And that sounds pretty fucking hard to do. So screw that. That leaves one option. That’s right, guitar! Good! You’ve been paying attention. Give yourself a gold star.
The cool thing about being a rock ‘n’ roll guitar legend is I already know some chords. I can even play a few simple songs. I can’t finger pick worth a shit, though. So I guess I need to work on that. But who the fuck finger picks these days, anyway? No rock ‘n’ rollers, that’s for sure. Fuck finger picking. I’ll stick to the strumming. I’m gonna be the best fucking rhythm guitarist ever.
Think about it. There are tons of rock ‘n’ roll legends out there who play lead guitar, but how many play rhythm? None that I can think of. All I gotta do is be a kick ass rhythm guitarist. I’ll be to rhythm guitar what Flea is to bass. . . Ah, fuck. There goes that theory out the window. Pretend I didn’t say that.
Anyhow, I can see it now. I’d have this band, but instead of breaking for a lead guitar solo, they’d break to hear me play this kick ass rhythm. They’d be like, “Holy shit, that guy can play!” And I’d just be strumming away, never missing a beat, not doing any fancy finger moves or anything, Just working those strings, muffling them sometimes, then letting them twang open. Maybe I’d kick on my cry-baby wha pedal and start jamming out some old-school 70s porn shit. Ahhh yeah. You can hear it, can’t you? Am I kicking ass or what? Man, I am the best motherfucking rhythm guitarist in the whole goddamn world!
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Okay, you know what I was saying about being a rock ‘n’ roll legend? Well, maybe that wasn’t such a good idea. I just picked up my guitar, grabbed the pick out from under the strings and started jamming away. Then I heard something I hadn’t heard before: this odd sound coming out of my guitar. I stopped playing and checked it out. It wasn’t out of tune. The neck wasn’t warped. There was only one explanation: I suck. Not just suck. But suck really bad. I suck so bad that I sound better when the guitar is out of tune. Yeah. That bad. So, really, the guitar legend thing is out. I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking. Seriously. Just let it go. Apply myself? Hello, I’m almost forty! Apply myself. Apply this! Everyone, just go home, all right? I don’t wanna talk about it. . . Shit.
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