As many of you know, our beloved domestic goddess, Martha Stewart, has fallen upon hard times. She’s been found guilty of the ulitmate white-collar crime: insider trading. Bad girl. But rather than just have her hand slapped like every other celebrity in this great country of ours, Ms. Stewart will be spending some time in the big house, and I’m not referring to her estate.
Yes, for approximately five months, Martha will have to find someone else to tend to her garden and select the material for her K-mart sheets. But what you might not know is, she still plans on broadcasting her television program from within the confines of her cell.
Titled “Martha Stewart: Living (Behind Bars),” this new show will offer decorator tips and culinary creations for people who’ve had run-ins with the law and lost. While the actual content of the show is a highly guarded secret, I did manage to get my hands on some episode ideas Ms. Stewart may use:
Episode 1: Martha shows us how to make a lovely stained-glass shiv using dyes made from berries, grass and the blood of her enemies.
Episode 17: Decorating your space. Being locked up doesn’t mean you have to suffer. Projects include a beautifully knitted toilet-seat cozy, to keep your steel commode warm between visits; and leftover potpourri, created using mostly table scraps.
Episode 24: Proper Prison Etiquette. Viewers will discover the best method for picking up the soap in the shower and the most polite way to make someone your bitch.
Those are the only episodes I could get my hands on. In any case, it’s good to know that Martha will continue doing that voodoo that she does so well.
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