I was driving home from work the other day, when I suddenly felt my stomach take a turn for the worse. Within moments, it became clear: whatever was inside me no longer wished to be there. I quickly scanned the road ahead for anywhere that might offer relief to a distressed motorist. Alas, the only […]
Well, I thought I had a pretty clever idea for a blog entry this time. It was going to be a list of really disgusting Ben & Jerry’s flavors. I had it pretty much done and was just waiting until Sunday night to post it. But then I got around to watching last night’s episode […]
Well, it looks like Smivey will be spending another Valentine’s Day alone. Why? It might have something to do with how he refers to himself in the third person — not only is it obnoxious, it’s damn confusing. But mainly, it has to do with that old saying: “It’s hard for anyone to love you, […]
I don’t have a lot of time here, so I’m gonna make this quick. Almost a month ago, I was abducted by the Swiss mafia. Why they wanted me, I’m not quite sure. But for the past few weeks, I’ve been forced into slave labor at a well-known watch factory, sustaining myself on nothing but […]
No doubt, you’ve heard of a play called The Vagina Monologues, where women of various ages express how they feel about their womanhood. But you’re probably not familiar with its male-casted equivalent, an off-broadway production that never quite caught on: The Penis Monologues: The curtain rises. Four men sit on metal folding chairs on a […]
I was looking through my old files a couple days ago, when I happened upon this abandoned poem from 1991. I polished it up a bit and gave it an ending, and now I present it to you. It was Christmas day dinner. I remember it well. The whole house was filled with that Christmasy […]