I don’t know if any of you out there are in the entertainment industry, but if you are, you might want to pay attention this. See, I was in the shower this morning when I came up with this brilliant idea for a Twilight Zone episode:

Okay, so the guy wakes up in the morning, goes through his normal routine, get in his car and heads off to work. Everything seems fine. Until he gets to the first traffic signal. Everyone is running the red light. Everyone! “What the fuck is going on?” he’s thinking, ya know? This old woman driving a big caddy honks at him. Ha, yeah, that would be good. Then the light turns green. Everybody stops. He hits the gas and almost gets into an accident. Just barely misses the cars, right? So, finally, after this happens about ten times, he figures it out. Red means go. Green means stop. I don’t know what yellow means, maybe it means you should get ready to go. But that’s all. Everything else is normal. Just the traffic lights are fucked up. Isn’t that just wild?

Anyhow, feel free to use that one. I don’t need any compensation. The pleasure I provide will be enough payment for me.

Yesterday at the office, the subject of death came up. Now, how this came to be is really none of your business. But we finally came around to the question of how we each want to die. Most people said they wanted a peaceful death, surrounded by loved ones. Me, I don’t really care how I die. As long as it’s not a slapstick death.

I mean, think about Sonny Bono. He was a successful entertainer, a politician. But you know what people think about now when they think of Sonny Bono? Yeah, the guy who skied into a tree. Yes, it’s tragic, but you can’t help but smirk when you hear about it. So that’s my only concern: dying in some manner where if you added a goofy sound effect like a slide whistle, you’d have people rolling in the aisles.

So here is a list of ways in which I do not want to die:

1. Slipping on a banana peel.

2. Falling down an open manhole in the street.

3. Getting wacked in the head by a guy holding a ladder as he quickly turns around to see what’s going on.

4. Being smothered by a cream pie.

5. Jumping out of the way of a speeding car, just in the nick of time, only to turn around and see a semi truck coming at me from the opposite direction.

6. Falling off a highrise buidling and landing face first into patch of wet cement.

7. Driving an old covertible car off the highway and into a barnful of chickens.

8. Having a guy poke me in the eyes with his two fingers. Then as I put my hands over my eyes, he punches me in the stomach. When I cover my stomach, he hits me over the head with a ball peen hammer. And this goes on until I collapse and die from internal bleeding.

9. Braking just before my car goes off a cliff, leaving it teetering on the edge. Unbuckling my seatbelt to carefully get out, when a butterfly lands on the hood, and the vehicle slowly tips over and plummets into a ravine below.

10. Fighting somebody on the top of a speeding train. Knocking him down and lauging at him as I cock my gun to fire the fatal shot. He looks behind me and smiles. I turn around to see the top of a tunnel smashing into my face.

Have you heard about all this unprotected sex stuff? Frankly, I’m a little disturbed by it. I mean, your sex is made up of some pretty delicate material. You should really take better care of it.

That’s why I always protect my sex. I wear a cup. All the time. And I stuff it with cotton. Gotta protect the boys. I mean, what if someone walked up to me and punched me in the nuts? I’d be ready. Would you? Not if your sex was unprotected, you wouldn’t.

The cup I used to wear was plastic. But then I started to think: What if a rabid dog attacked me and chewed off my manhood? Exactly. So now I wear a steel cup. Sure, it’s a little less comfortable. But it’s a small price to pay for a well-protected sex.

I admit, back when I didn’t know any better, I had an unprotected sex. Nothing but a couple of layers of material protecting me from sudden castration. Fortunately, I managed to avoid any real danger. But I can’t believe how naive I was.

All it takes is one kid running with scissors. One fastball thrown a little too low. A runaway power saw. A miscalculated hurdle jump. A run in with an angry midget. Yeah, I think I’ve made my point. Keep that sex protected, people. You’ve only got one. Well, okay, most of us only have one.

It used to be that if you wanted to look like a real bad ass, there was only one thing to do: get a tattoo. Then the nineties rolled around and suddenly everyone was sportin’ ink. Heck, even my sister got a butterfly buzzed onto her ankle, and she’s a frickin’ CPA!

So, if CPAs and Tax Attorneys are going under the needle, what’s a genuine bad ass supposed to do? Pierce your eyeballs? Maybe. Better yet, why not do something that really makes a statement? Get a face tattoo.

That’s right. Only a real man could take so many pricks in the face…Okay, maybe that wasn’t the best choice of words. All I’m sayin’ is, a tattoo on your mug says ‘bite me’ to society. Because as soon as that gun starts grinding away, you’ve pretty much narrowed down your career choices: Prize Fighter, Mass Murderer, Used-Car Dealer or Tower Records Employee. Come to think of it, Tower Records might even have a problem with that one.

Okay, so you’ve decided to go for it and get the face tattoo. Good for you. Now the question comes up: What do you want permanently etched on your face? Something tribal? Eh. Too cliche. A snake? It’s been done. No, you want something different. Something that will get people talking. In other words, something cute.

Think about it. Anyone can get a black widow spider or “666″ carved into his face. But you walk into a bar with a Care Bear on your forehead and the rumors would really start flying: “Stay away from that guy with the Care Bear tattoo. I heard he ripped a guy’s arm off and then ate it for lunch, bones and all.” Yeah, with a Care Bear tattoo on your face, nobody would even think about fucking with you. Except for maybe the guy with a bouquet of daisies embroidered into his scalp. Now that would really be scary.