Have you heard about all this unprotected sex stuff? Frankly, I’m a little disturbed by it. I mean, your sex is made up of some pretty delicate material. You should really take better care of it.

That’s why I always protect my sex. I wear a cup. All the time. And I stuff it with cotton. Gotta protect the boys. I mean, what if someone walked up to me and punched me in the nuts? I’d be ready. Would you? Not if your sex was unprotected, you wouldn’t.

The cup I used to wear was plastic. But then I started to think: What if a rabid dog attacked me and chewed off my manhood? Exactly. So now I wear a steel cup. Sure, it’s a little less comfortable. But it’s a small price to pay for a well-protected sex.

I admit, back when I didn’t know any better, I had an unprotected sex. Nothing but a couple of layers of material protecting me from sudden castration. Fortunately, I managed to avoid any real danger. But I can’t believe how naive I was.

All it takes is one kid running with scissors. One fastball thrown a little too low. A runaway power saw. A miscalculated hurdle jump. A run in with an angry midget. Yeah, I think I’ve made my point. Keep that sex protected, people. You’ve only got one. Well, okay, most of us only have one.