Today’s pointless rant has been preempted so that we can bring you the following special presentation… (Inside a large theater. It’s standing room only. The orchestra plays a magnificent fanfare) ANNOUNCER: “Live, from Hollywood, California… It’s The First (And Probably Last) Everything Sucks Anniversary Special!” (The crowd cheers as if they were cued by an […]
So I’m walking down the Promenade when I suddenly hear my name called out. I turn around and see some bald guy with a goatee approaching me: “Smivey, wassup, man? What the fuck you doin’ over here?” My mind starts racing. Who the hell is this guy and why does he know me? I try […]
Some musicians deserve every dollar they get. They write their own songs. They play their own instruments. They even sing. And when you go to see them perform, you actually get to hear them play. On the other side of the spectrum, you’ll find the “recording artists.” These people are all about image. Fancy costume […]
I love a great illusion. Seeing a magician do something like float out over the audience and explode into a flock of white doves, that kind of stuff really makes me think. And think. And think: How the hell did they do that? It’s got to be something really simple. Something I just haven’t considered. […]
Here in Southern California, great weather is the norm. So you’d figure the most desirable table at a restaurant would be on the patio, right? Uh, not so much. You see, ever since a law was passed prohibiting smoking inside public spaces, most restaurants have turned their patios into a puffer’s paradise. Which means, whenever […]
I was thrilled when I first got the Caller I.D. service on my phone. I thought, This is gonna be great. I can finally see who’s calling and decide whether I want to answer it or not. Of course, I was wrong. Half the time, all I saw on the little display were the words […]
There are some pretty horrific fires happening here in Southern California. People are losing their homes. And their lives. So what does the local news do about it? They give it a clever name like “Firestorm” and sensationalize the shit out of it. Fancy animated graphics zoom in for each late breaking news segment, accompanied […]
Just wondering. Do they really include the last paper towel in the total sheet count? It’s hardly usable. I mean, by the time you peel the fucking thing off the cardboard tube, you’re left with about three quarters of a towel. So maybe the package should read “74 3/4 one-ply sheets.” I don’t know. Of […]
I love those family sitcoms. Their wholesome brand of humor gives me a chuckle, without subjecting me to any unsavory material. What’s more, I never have to worry about missing a joke, thanks to the convenient laugh track cues. But what I enjoy most about these programs isn’t their clever dialogue or those hilarious situations, […]
A friend of mine swears that her boyfriend doesn’t like porn. Of course he doesn’t. Neither do I. In fact, all men are disgusted by it. We just pretend to like it because we’re too damn afraid to say how we really feel. I mean, come on. What’s so exciting about one woman taking on […]