Category Archives: Rants

Not Funny

This lighthearted blog has been interrupted so that I can do a little venting before my fucking heart explodes. Excuse the big block of text. It’s kind of how I’m feeling right now. Thanks for your patience. Okay, so I’m driving home today in the fucking rain and I’m taking this new shortcut. I’m making […]

UPS

What can Brown do for you? I’ll tell you what Brown can do for you. They can make you stay at home all fucking day waiting for a goddamn package to arrive because the shipper was too fucking cheap to use FedEx. Better yet, their Web site will claim that a delivery attempt was made, […]

X = ?

In Long Beach, California, there is a street named “Ximeno Avenue.” At first glance, you might pronounce it Zimeno, but the locals actually call it Ex-imeno. Even the real estate agents do it. Why? We don’t call a xylophone an ex-ylophone. Or read xanthan gum as exanthan gum. What makes Ximeno so damn special? I […]

What Happened To The Wave?

When I’m on my lunch break, I’m in a hurry. And I don’t have time to fuck around. I want to get my food. Eat it. And get the fuck out of there. But that doesn’t mean I can’t empathize with those poor stranded motorists trying to merge into traffic from the driveway. Occasionally, if […]

Stupid Successful Slogans

In L.A., we have this chain of mattress “super” stores whose big slogan is: “We’ll beat any advertised price or your mattress is FREEEEEEEEEE!” On the word “free,” the man raises his voice about three octaves so he sounds like Ned Beatty SQUEEEALLLINGGG like a pig. Do people really believe these guys are handing out […]

Bandage Abandoners

Yesterday, I had a rather disturbing experience. I had just finished spraying the walls of the urinal and was heading over to wash up when something caught my eye: a bandage lying on the counter right next to the sink. It was one of those finger bandages and it was still in excellent shape, as […]

Celebrity Screwups

Some make us laugh. Some make us cry. Some wow us with their amazing athletic abilities. And then they do something incredibly stupid. Like break into a stranger’s home in the middle of the night. Or have anal sex with the wrong person. Not good. It’s always the really talented ones, too. You never see, […]

Writer’s Block

…I’ve got nothing.

Wrong-Number Night Owls

Early yesterday morning, at about a half past twelve, I was drifting off to sleep when I was suddenly jolted awake by the arpeggio ringtone of my phone (note to self: change ringtone of phone). I sleepily reached for the receiver and glanced at the Caller I.D. display. The call was coming from the building’s […]

Tainted TV Dinners

Yesterday, I opened up my Healthy Choice TV dinner to discover two broccoli florets deeply embedded in my quiescently frozen dessert. One had managed to cling to a cherry before the viscous red fluid solidified. The other was found resting on the cold, black plastic floor. I did what I could to rescue them, but […]