Today’s pointless rant has been preempted so that we can bring you the following special presentation…
(Inside a large theater. It’s standing room only. The orchestra plays a magnificent fanfare)
ANNOUNCER: “Live, from Hollywood, California… It’s The First (And Probably Last) Everything Sucks Anniversary Special!”
(The crowd cheers as if they were cued by an electronic applause sign. The music swells and the velvet curtains part to reveal a group of sexy women dressed in glittery outfits, each one carrying an oversized golden lollipop on her shoulder like an umbrella. The women start to sing off key…)
One year ago today
Smivey had something to say.
So he sat down at his Mac
and he claimed this simple factttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt!
(The dancers start to twirl their lollipops)
(sung to the tune of Be Our Guest, kinda sorta)
We alllllll suck!
We all suck!
We drive SUVs and trucks!
We get in your hair
and we don’t care.
We’re just moronic schmucks!
We’re all slobs!
with no jobs!
We’re gigantic pulsing knobs!
We inflate our breasts
We’re online pestsssss…
Something else that rhymes with slob.
(Editors Note: “We write half-witted blogs.” probably would have worked.)
We’re all twits
who throw fits.
And our breath,
it smells like shit.
If you’re looking for some trouble,
you’re in luckkkkkkkkk
We’re mad at everything.
We know that we can’t sing.
We all suck!
We all suck!
We all suckkkkkkkk!!
(A drum roll plays and the ladies part to reveal Smivey dressed in tux and tails.)
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen…Smivey!
(The audience immediately stands up and applauds. Smivey reaches the plexiglass podium. The applause sign gets turned off. And everyone immediately sits down.)
SMIVEY: Thank you. Thank you so much. One year ago, on this very day, I had a concept. A concept that I believed would turn the blog community on its ear. It did nothing of the sort.
(The applause sign turns on, triggering a few golf claps)
SMIVEY: Anyhow, I called that Web log Everybody Sucks. But as the months went on, I discovered that the title Everybody Sucks was just a little too limiting. So on February 6, I changed it to… Everything Sucks.
(The applause sign goes on again. A man coughs in the back row and everyone hears it.)
SMIVEY: Uh, anyway, we were supposed to look at some clips right now. But who wants to stare at a bunch of words? Not me.
(He takes out a trophy shaped like a golden lollipop and sets it on the podium.)
SMIVEY: I also had this award to give out to the one person who sucks the most. Well, not so much hand out the award as beat the recipient within an inch of his life with it. But everyone’s probably switched over to more interesting blogs by now, so what’s the point? In fact, this whole show is bullshit. I wrote a blog for an entire year. So what? Does that mean you should suffer through an hour-long regurgitation of my past? I don’t think so. I’m gonna go see if I can get my money back on this tux. Anniversary Specials suck.
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