Well, I held my annual yard sale for the second time this year, and let me tell you, it was not the success I imagined it would be. While people literally fought over my 15″ widescreen TV (actually just a regular TV with a “letterbox” frame glued to the face of it), a lot of […]
Get this: I’m sitting here on the couch with my 22 cats, just sneezing away (on the account of my allergies), when all of the sudden, one of the feistier felines, Brown Kitty, starts batting a ball of yarn around the room. Now, to the average observer, this might be considered adorable, possibly even precious. […]
Dear (Name Omitted), I’m sorry that our date turned out to be a complete disaster. But you were warned. Yes, I realize that I seem like such a suave, funny, sexy, genius of a man online. But the truth is, I’m not all that suave. Believe it or not, I spend most of my evenings […]
I can’t believe how many ignorant people live in this county. Of course, I watch Fox News, so I know exactly what to think about the latest issues. But what does the average, less-informed person have to say? I set out to Santa Monica, California to find out. Of course, Santa Monica is a pretty […]
Yes, it’s true. I was one of those guys who advertised in the back of Vegetarian Times magazine. In my ads, I claimed to be able to solve all of your problems through a series of cassette tapes. Each tape sold for $25, but you could buy the entire series of 500 for only twelve […]
For over five years, I’ve been telling my shrink, Dr. Steinway, my deepest, darkest secrets, all with the understanding that what was said in his office would remain in his office. That said, I was a little shocked when I found a blog entitled “Shrinking Heads” a few days ago. The blogger goes by the […]
For the past several months, I’ve had the exact same dream. What’s worse is, I have no idea what it means or how to make it stop. Here’s as much of it as I can remember:There I am, sitting at a secluded table, with Scarlett Johansson as my date. She’s wearing a black strapless dress […]
She seemed to appear out of nowhere, a mysterious figure in the night. A moment ago, I didn’t know she existed. But now, there she was before me. I had to get her attention. My mind began to race: Should I flash her? Might she acknowledge me then? Would she appreciate what she sees? Would […]
hello. notice anything different about my writing? well, you should because im not actually typing it. cheryl is. :-) who is cheryl? only the hottest girl i know. hey, what are you typing? i haven’t said anything. stop typing! let me see. i didn’t say that. delete it. im not kidding! apostrofy M. that’s not […]
As many of you already know, I became independently wealthy in my early twenties when I developed a line of skin-care products for dogs called Pampered Poochâ„¢. But that’s old news. I have more interesting things to write about . . . Hm. I know there’s something. Give me a minute. Maybe I should’ve thought […]