As many of you already know, I became independently wealthy in my early twenties when I developed a line of skin-care products for dogs called Pampered Poochâ„¢. But that’s old news. I have more interesting things to write about . . .
Hm. I know there’s something.
Give me a minute.
Maybe I should’ve thought about this before I started typing.
Oh, my friend just suggested that I tell you about my “unusual” eating habits. He must think it’s funny that I butter my bread on both sides before I ingest it. Either that or he’s talking about Mumford, the guy who chews my food for me.
Oh, don’t give me that look.
It’s not like I employ someone to masticate my meals because I’m lazy. I have a very serious stomach condition which requires every morsel of my food to be properly chewed.
Why not use a blender, you ask? You are obviously not holding a medical degree. That act of chewing does more than just make sure your food can fit down your throat. Your saliva has important enzymes in it that aid the digestion process.
No, really. Look it up. Even if I ran all my food through one of those overpriced Vita-Mix blenders, I’d still have to swish it around in my mouth for a while to break it down properly.
So, yes, I employ a full-time masticator. But it’s a win-win situation. Mumford gets to enjoy all the flavors of a gourmet meal without gaining an ounce. And me? Well, I get the nourishment my body requires, minus all that bothersome chewing.
There. Was that really so interesting? Yeah, I didn’t think so. I promise my next entry will provide a much more intriguing read. And with any luck, it will be slightly less nauseating.
Now don’t go making promises you can’t keep, Smivey…
Smivey, you amuse me.
I cannot tell a lie.
ok, well I probably could but not about something like that.
D.
Dude, you butter your bread on both sides…
If you dropped a slice, how would you determine if it landed upside-down or not?
Mmmm…I’m just about to have my morning yogurt. Does Mumford “chew” that for you too? Would it really be necessary?
some stories need pictures to help illustrate them.
Thanks for the laughs! I’ll definitely come back. Oh, and btw–Mumsford’s secret weapon? Amylase.
So, what happens when Mumford gets sick? I enjoyed your blog!
Thanks for the laugh I needed it!
hmmm…surely babyfood would be cheaper? isn’t that just the same as what they do to it?
Aimee, I wish it could be that simple. Unfortunately, while baby food does come in a puree form, it does not contain the essential digestive enzymes that only saliva can provide.
I seriously doubt that someone chews your food for you. First, that would be unsanitary. Secondly, have you ever seen chewed food? It doesn’t look very appatizing. I doubt you could tolerate eating someone else’s slobber coated foodmush. Yuck! And lastly, who the hell has a name like “Mumford”?
Chuck obviously was drunk from all the cider he poured into his throat in anticipation of opening presents on Christmas morning, and was not thinking clearly when he posted his comment OR is so blindly jealous with rage that you have a personal, full-time masticator and he doesn’t. OR he just wishes his parents had named him “Mumford” instead of “Charles”. I mean, heh, what kinda name is that anyway, like, some like, heh, well… heh, well……I dunno?
Anyway, previously chewed food is quite scrumptuous though. I’m with you on this one.
I’m a busy man. I have no time for chewing. People are just jealous. Fuck ‘em. Oh, I also have someone who does that for me, too.
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