As many of you already know, I became independently wealthy in my early twenties when I developed a line of skin-care products for dogs called Pampered Poochâ„¢. But that’s old news. I have more interesting things to write about . . .
Hm. I know there’s something.
Give me a minute.
Maybe I should’ve thought about this before I started typing.
Oh, my friend just suggested that I tell you about my “unusual” eating habits. He must think it’s funny that I butter my bread on both sides before I ingest it. Either that or he’s talking about Mumford, the guy who chews my food for me.
Oh, don’t give me that look.
It’s not like I employ someone to masticate my meals because I’m lazy. I have a very serious stomach condition which requires every morsel of my food to be properly chewed.
Why not use a blender, you ask? You are obviously not holding a medical degree. That act of chewing does more than just make sure your food can fit down your throat. Your saliva has important enzymes in it that aid the digestion process.
No, really. Look it up. Even if I ran all my food through one of those overpriced Vita-Mix blenders, I’d still have to swish it around in my mouth for a while to break it down properly.
So, yes, I employ a full-time masticator. But it’s a win-win situation. Mumford gets to enjoy all the flavors of a gourmet meal without gaining an ounce. And me? Well, I get the nourishment my body requires, minus all that bothersome chewing.
There. Was that really so interesting? Yeah, I didn’t think so. I promise my next entry will provide a much more intriguing read. And with any luck, it will be slightly less nauseating.
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