I’d like to apologize to everyone for the last commercial that was posted on my blog. It’s not easy to find advertisers who want to support the kinds of things I write. Fortunately, pharmaceutical companies seem to have no problem with it. However, Zizzaxo, the makers of Podiarrest, may have taken things too far. While […]
OK, OK, before you start tearing into me, hear me out. It’s not like I just decided one day that every woman on the face of the planet is a complete moron. I assure you, this is based on years and years of field research. Let me elaborate: First there was Candice. Candice, honey, how […]
Well, I just got back from my 20-year high-school reunion. Let me tell you, it was not at all what I had expected. To begin with, nobody was how I remembered them. It was as if someone had taken each person’s skin and slid it over an entirely different body — a much larger body. […]
Thought you might like to know why I haven’t written in a while. Well, I haven’t been feeling too creative these past couple weeks. That, and my life is boring. You know what I did today? I went to the bank, got some groceries and did the laundry. Thrilling, isn’t it? After that, I spent […]
Anyone who’s seen me in real life can attest to the fact that I am not a conservative person. In addition to my all-black wardrobe, I’ve become quite well known for my unusual body piercings. Granted, there are plenty of people with rings in their noses like mine. That’s why I decided I needed to […]
A lot of you have been writing to me and asking about who I am and why I started blogging. Well, rather than spend all the time replying to every email, I thought I’d address you all at once: Fuck off. Why are you so goddamn interested in who I am and what I do? […]
On occasion, I do some stupid things. No, really. I know it’s hard to believe, but just take my word for it. Better yet, let me give you an example: So there I was in the supermarket, buying my weekly supply of Hi-C and Special K cereal bars . . . Well, fuck, now everyone […]
I found her, in all places, at the library. I was looking for a hard-to-find novel by my favourite author, Danielle Steel. And she, she was busy working. Yes, she was a librarian, but a sexy one, dressed conservatively, with a long flannel skirt and sensible shoes. And her blouse — whiter than the teeth […]
I was driving home from work the other day, when I suddenly felt my stomach take a turn for the worse. Within moments, it became clear: whatever was inside me no longer wished to be there. I quickly scanned the road ahead for anywhere that might offer relief to a distressed motorist. Alas, the only […]
Well, it looks like Smivey will be spending another Valentine’s Day alone. Why? It might have something to do with how he refers to himself in the third person — not only is it obnoxious, it’s damn confusing. But mainly, it has to do with that old saying: “It’s hard for anyone to love you, […]