I can’t believe how many ignorant people live in this county. Of course, I watch Fox News, so I know exactly what to think about the latest issues. But what does the average, less-informed person have to say? I set out to Santa Monica, California to find out.
Of course, Santa Monica is a pretty large city. There are people, like, everywhere. Seriously. Fortunately, there’s one place where everyone seems to congregate: The 3rd Street Promenade. This is a closed off street about four blocks long, where the latest stores share the sidewalk with decrepit bookshops and pushcart vendors. Street performers entertain the crowds with their creative begging. And propagandists sit behind portable tables, handing out pro-marijuana literature. There is nothing quite like it in the world. And even if there is, I don’t give a fuck.
In any case, I wasn’t visiting 3rd Street to purchase a new pair of shoes or even watch the latest movie. No, I was there to locate the average person and find out what he or she thinks about the current issues facing this country. Fortunately, it didn’t take long to find that person. In all honestly, she found me. As I was walking on the sidewalk getting ready to cross Wilshire Boulevard, a woman came running up and quickly introduced herself:
“I AM THE ANGEL AND THE DEVIL, THE BLACK AND THE WHITE!” she screamed. This was one of those eccentric-artist types. Her hair was grey and frizzy and she was wearing at least 15 different layers of clothing, accented with a rainbow colored ski vest.
“Hello,” I replied. “My name is Smivey. Would you mind if I asked you a few questions?”
“BLEAAHHHHHHHH!!!!” she shrieked, pushing me back, almost knocking me on my ass. She hobbled over to the other side of the street, but her scent lingered. It was a smell I was quite familiar with, possibly one of those foreign perfumes, the kind that reminds one of exotic flowers and goat manure. Needless to say, I was intrigued.
When I caught up with the woman, she was frantically digging through a trash can. This explained why she was so angry. She had obviously lost something important to her. I didn’t waste any time. I just jumped right into the questions:
“At last count, George W. Bush’s approval rating was at 36%. What do you feel the President needs to do in order to make the public understand what a great leader he is?”
“GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU MOTHER FUCKER!!” she croaked, throwing a half-eaten burger at me before hobbling away. Of course, I went after her. Apparently, she was one of those walk-and-talk types, never stopping for a moment, even ignoring the traffic lights.
“Ma’am,” I shouted at her, ” I only ask for a moment of your time. How do you feel about the government tapping our phone lines?”
No reply.
“The war in Iraq?”
Again, nothing.
“Dick Cheney’s hunting incident? Hurricane Katrina? Our overflowing landfills?”
Suddenly, she spun around and opened her mouth. I was expecting wasps to come flying out of there. Instead, there were only words:
“Actually,” she said, “the problems isn’t with our landfills. It’s with the people. They throw things in the trash without thinking about the consequences of their actions. I mean, it’s not like there isn’t a solution to all this extra trash. We just have to get into the habit of recycling. Used aluminum cans can be made into new aluminum cans. Plastic bottles can be melted down and made into a number of useful things . . .”
She went on with her speech for what seemed like hours. And as she spoke, I suddenly came to a realization: This woman was fucking insane. She was living in some kind of fantasy world where sticky soda cans could miraculously be turned into new soda cans. And what was all that nonsense about plastic bottles? It sounded like something from a bad Science Fiction novel, like the crap L. Ron Hubbard used to write.
Anyhow, I couldn’t deal with that kook any longer, so I just walked away. And you know what? The bitch started following me! And she wouldn’t shut up. When I began walking faster, she started walking faster. When I ducked into a store, so did she. After twenty minutes of this, I was at the end of my rope. Finally, I just grabbed her, pushed her over a nearby bench and made a mad dash for it. The last thing I heard her shouting was something about “greenhouse gasses.” No, I swear, that’s what she said. Greenhouse gasses. Ha. Where does she come up with this shit? No doubt, she’d been smoking too many of those marijuana cigarettes. People can be so stupid.
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