Yes, it’s true. I was one of those guys who advertised in the back of Vegetarian Times magazine. In my ads, I claimed to be able to solve all of your problems through a series of cassette tapes. Each tape sold for $25, but you could buy the entire series of 500 for only twelve easy payments of $1,500 (It’s a little known fact that vegetarians aren’t very good at math). Anyhow, the tapes were a big hit. But after buying my fifth home, I started feeling guilty about what I was doing. Not because I was robbing vegetarians of their hard-earned tofu money. Actually, that was kind of fun. No, the real reason I was feeling guilty was because my tapes weren’t everything they claimed to be. To give you an idea of the horrible things I did, here’s the transcript from my Be A Better Person tape:
Close your eyes, relax your body and imagine yourself in a large, white room. At the end of the room, is a soft, white couch. As I count down from ten to zero, I want you to slowly step towards the couch. With each step, you’ll feel lighter and more relaxed. And by the time I reach zero, your body will feel very heavy and very relaxed. Ready? Let’s begin.
10 . . . you are walking towards the couch. . . 9. . . closer, feeling more relaxed. . . 8. . . there’s something on the floor. . . 9. . . What is that, peanut butter? Why is there peanut butter on the floor? . . 10. . . I thought we were counting down. . . 11 . . . What are you doing? We should be on 5! . . 12. . . Come to think of it, why is there peanut butter on the floor and no jelly? . . .13. . . No jelly! No jelly! . . 14. . . I’d settle for some marshmallow fluff. . . 15 . . . You know, make one of those fluffernutter sandwiches. . . . 16 . . . I mean, I’ve never had one before, but I hear they’re good. . . 17 . . . Fuck, that couch is not getting any closer, is it? . . . 18 . . . Are you even trying to relax? . . 19 . . . Well, I can’t exactly relax for you. . . And 20. . .
You are now in a completely relaxed state, your mind is clear, your muscles are soft, and your arms and legs feel very, very heavy, as if they were bound with thick leather straps. . . No? Too creepy? OK, let’s just say that you’re very relaxed and leave it at that.
OK, so, to begin with, enough with the fucking smoking already. What are you, insane? Duh, gee, I wonder if there’s something I could do to improve my chances of getting lung cancer. You know what, fuck you. Smoke all you want. Besides, you really do look sexy with that cigarette in your mouth. Anyhow, what other problems do you have? Confidence? You want confidence? OK, here’s an idea, why don’t you grow a fucking pair? Confidence. Bleh. You disgust me.
It’s time to return to your regular state. Normally, I would count up to 20, but since I fucked that up, we’ll count backwards to 1. The closer I get to 1, you will feel more awake, more comfortable, and very sleepy. Ha, no, I was kidding about the sleepy part. You’ll just be awake. Not sleepy. So, scratch the sleepy. Actually, let me just speed this up, because I want to get back to watching my movie. When I snap my fingers, you’ll feel completely awake, incredibly refreshed, and have an overwhelming craving for capers. Seriously, you’ll just want to devour them by the spoonful. Mmmm capers. Ready? Here we go. Three, two, one, *SNAP*. Wide awake, feeling refreshed, ready to take on the day. Now, why don’t you go get yourself a snack, hm?
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