Another Apology

Dear (Name Omitted),

I’m sorry that our date turned out to be a complete disaster. But you were warned. Yes, I realize that I seem like such a suave, funny, sexy, genius of a man online. But the truth is, I’m not all that suave. Believe it or not, I spend most of my evenings at home, chatting online and eating dry cereal from the box. And as for dating, well, I don’t have a lot of experience.

Honestly, I thought it would be really romantic to send a taxi cab to pick you up. I even requested that the driver be a nonsmoker. But since there is no such thing, I insisted that he only smoke cigarettes. No cigars. That was thoughtful, wasn’t it?

And what about that gift I had waiting for you when you got in the cab, the case of Butterfinger candy bars? Didn’t you think that was nice? I mean, who the fuck doesn’t like a Butterfinger? Are you allergic to artificial peanut butter or something? I waited in line for 30 minutes at Costco to get you those damn candy bars. The least you could have done was eaten one. OK, I’m sorry. This is supposed to be an apology letter. Maybe those Butterfinger candy bars were a bad idea. But you have to admit, they are delicious.

In any case, let me explain why I was eating my dinner when you arrived. You were almost 20 minutes late. How long is a guy supposed to sit around eating appetizers and drinking wine? Granted, I probably should have left my phone on when I got to the restaurant, but I find it rude for people to take calls while others are eating. Of course, you later explained to me—okay, yelled at me—that you didn’t have enough money for cab fare and that the driver actually backed up his car and made you walk six blocks to the restaurant. How is that my fault?

Anyhow, after I polished off my seared scallops (delectable!), I was kind enough to offer you the green beans and mashed potatoes that were left on my plate. As you might recall, you declined. But did that stop you from whining about how hungry you were for the rest of the night? Nooo. I bet you’re sorry now for not eating one of those candy bars.

Alright, I know this is supposed to be an apology letter. But you really made me uncomfortable, what with the way you stared at me all night with your brow furrowed so unattractively. What did you expect me to do? I eventually paid you back for the cab fare, didn’t I? And I didn’t even complain when you threw only $4.50 in change back at me. I mean, any moron knows that $25.17 from $30 is $4.83.

But back to the apology. I really am sorry. I’m sorry that you didn’t think it was funny when I suddenly threw water in your face. I’m sorry that you had to go to jail for assaulting me with a steak knife. I’m sorry that I couldn’t stop laughing as I watched the police officers tackle you to the ground (you really should have seen your face). And I’m sorry for pressing charges. I suppose the least I could have done was bail you out.

That said, I’d like another chance. Maybe we could have dinner at one of those fancy European cafes? You know, something cozy, but not too intimate. Just some wine, good food and a little conversation. Oh, and don’t worry. This time, I’ll take care of the cab fare.

Comments 18

  1. JeN wrote:

    Well, this was posted… a lot.
    I’d be happy with a gift of a Butterfinger. I have a craving for chocolate right now.

    Posted 02 Apr 2006 at 9:49 pm
  2. Smivey wrote:

    Damn. I was hoping nobody would notice those extra posts, JeN. Needless to say, I had some technical difficulties getting my blogging program to work today. I tried to delete the extra versions as quickly as I could. But not quick enough, it seems. Oh well.

    Posted 02 Apr 2006 at 10:16 pm
  3. JeN wrote:

    Well, if you want to consider me a nobody then you can continue to say that nobody noticed the extra posts.
    shhh… i won’t tell anyone.

    Posted 03 Apr 2006 at 5:55 am
  4. jess wrote:

    i dig your writing.

    funny dude…funny dude.


    Posted 05 Apr 2006 at 12:00 am
  5. Trojan wrote:

    You intrigue and scare the shit out of me at the same time, nice combo.FYI….A case of dark chocolate might get you further…perhaps.

    Posted 06 Apr 2006 at 3:07 am
  6. knitgirl wrote:

    hmmmmm… THIS is where you’ve been hangin’ out..archives ’til ’02? wow! I have a lot of reading to do

    Posted 08 Apr 2006 at 2:58 am
  7. Smivey wrote:

    Uh oh. I’ve been discovered.

    Posted 08 Apr 2006 at 4:04 am
  8. Kris wrote:

    I like you.

    Posted 10 Apr 2006 at 3:03 pm
  9. Smivey wrote:

    Like like? Or just like?

    Posted 10 Apr 2006 at 4:43 pm
  10. lani wrote:

    I accept your apology. I do like Butterfingers. I was stupid not to eat it. I guess I was just afraid that I would get the chocolate all over my teeth and when I smiled at you…..well, I would look like a hog eating all the bars. I thought maybe it was some trick to see if I ate alot. Thought you would want to see how much food I would eat and calculate that over the years into pounds, finding out that in 5 years, I’ll gain 20 lbs. Oh forget what I’m saying. I just love butterfingers and like I said, I just had one.

    Posted 12 Apr 2006 at 8:46 pm
  11. bob wrote:

    “but not too intimate”! . . . i always thought that was the goal.

    Posted 27 Apr 2006 at 6:49 am
  12. Smivey wrote:

    You’re quite welcome. Thank you for your comment, hadon.

    Posted 11 Jun 2006 at 11:34 am
  13. C.S.D. wrote:

    You had me at Butterfinger. What an ungrateful hoe. Serves her right for getting incarcerated.

    Smivey, where have you been all my life? Other than in your abode eating dry cereal behind your monitor?

    BTW, let me guess. Honey Nut Cheerios / Golden Grahams?

    Posted 24 Nov 2006 at 1:02 am
  14. Smivey wrote:

    Currently, Barbara’s Shredded Oats. Crunchy and good.

    Posted 24 Nov 2006 at 1:04 am
  15. C.S.D. wrote:

    Yes, the crunch factor is and essential part of a complete breakfast (or lunch, or dinner, or midnight snack in your case). Good choice.

    Posted 24 Nov 2006 at 1:06 am
  16. Smivey wrote:

    Thank you. Also a good source of fiber.

    Posted 24 Nov 2006 at 1:09 am
  17. norton.norton2 wrote:

    Also…INSANE and FUNNY….

    Posted 10 Jun 2007 at 2:22 pm
  18. Smivey wrote:

    Why thank you,

    Posted 10 Jun 2007 at 2:54 pm

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