As a writer, I’m usually very protective of my ideas. But then I got to thinking, who am I to deprive others of my genius? Besides, I can’t possibly write a screenplay for every plot line I come up with. That said, I submit to you these movie ideas. Feel free to make them your own. All I ask is that you give me props in the movie credits using these exact words: “Genius by Smivey.” I thank you.

The Pig, The Boat and a Man Named Mestipapulious
OK, so there’s this pig, right? And it’s in a boat, OK? It’s just a tiny boat, though, like a dinghy or something like that. Keep in mind, this isn’t one of those fucking cartoon pigs that talks. It’s just a regular pig, but it’s wearing one of those tiny leprechaun hats that’s attached to his big head with an elastic band. Anyhow, for almost the entire film, you just see the pig hanging out in the boat, making those pig noises and wallowing in its own filth (note: make sure there’s mud in the boat.). At the end of the film, the pig reaches land. A man is waiting there. His name is Michael Radcliff. Not Mestipapulious. See, you’d be expecting it to be Mestipapulious. But it’s not. it’s Michael Radcliff. That’s the twist.

The Lesbian Princess
Princess Lolly is 25 and still single. She is totally hot and spends most of her days hanging out with the handmaidens in the garden. She also likes to take baths. Perfumed baths. With the handmaidens. Anyhow, she finds out that her father, who is also the king, has arranged for her to be married to Prince Jack. Oddly, Princess Lolly protests. Why? It can’t be because of the way Prince Jack looks. He’s totally hot. No, it turns out that Prince Jack’s sister, Princess Mildred, is a full-on lesbian. And Princess Lolly? She’s nothing but a close-minded homophobic bitch.

The Placebo Effect
George Herman works at the local Rite Aid as a pharmacist. Bored with his job, he decides one day to substitute everyone’s prescriptions with harmless sugar pills. All the patients take their medication as directed on the bottle, and faster than they can say “I’ve never felt better,” their health quickly deteriorates. Some die within days. Others suffer for months. As the patients’ symptoms worsen, the doctors prescribe different medications for them, only to have them substituted with another placebo by George Herman. Many years later, the authorities finally trace the cause of all the deaths to Herman. They come to the Rite Aid to make the arrest, but Herman quickly downs a handful of pills before they can stop him. As you might expect, the pills were only placebos. Nevertheless, he dies instantly. That’s the placebo effect.

Stuffed
Steve is a Certified Public Accountant who longs to become the world’s greatest competitive eater. Of course, he has to overcome a lot of obstacles before he can reach his goal: For one thing, he’s six feet tall and only weighs 130 pounds. He’s also a vegetarian and suffers from Irritable Bowel Syndrome. But Steve is determined to succeed. After suing the Nathan’s Hot Dog company, he wins the right to compete in their hot-dog eating competition — without having to eat any actual hot dogs. Wolfing down 400 lard-free buns in just 30 minutes, Steve beats the skinny Japanese guy’s record by just seconds. He goes on to compete in other competitions, but never even places in the events. At the end of the film, Steve enters himself in a habanero-chile eating contest and dies from internal bleeding after swallowing just one chile.

OK, that should be enough to get your started. Enjoy your fame and fortune, courtesy of me.

Hey, don’t you hate it when you ask someone when their birthday is and they won’t tell you? “Guess,” they say. Oh, that should be easy. After all, there are only, what, 365 days in the year? Hm, let me take a stab at it. Is it June 11? No? How ’bout March 8? Well, two down, 363 to go.

Yeah, I do it too. What’s the big deal? It’s your fucking birthday. Just spit out the damn date and get it over with. What’s ironic is, most of us actually get upset when our birthday comes and goes and nobody acknowledges it. You might call it the paradox of the ages. (Ha, did you get that? Of the ages? Bleh.)

So, yeah, most of us like to receive a few good wishes on our special day. But unless your office posts one of those b-day calendars every month, there’s no way for anyone to know when your birthday actually is. That’s why I’ve come up with a few subtle hints to ensure your birthday won’t go unnoticed. I call them “A Few Subtle Hints To Ensure Your Birthday Won’t Go Unnoticed.” And here they are:

About a week before your birthday, start talking about how old you feel, possibly mention that you’ll be feeling even older next week. (OK, that’s not such a subtle one.)

A few days before your birthday, start talking about how your family wants to take you to dinner and how you really don’t want them to make such a big deal of it. “Of what?” they’ll say. (Yeah, you’ve got ‘em where you want ‘em.)

A day before you birthday, mention to your friend or coworker how you were thinking about taking the day off tomorrow. After all, it’s your day. (Now you’re just getting desperate.)

The day of your birthday, if you don’t see any banners or balloons in your cubicle, get on your computer and send yourself one of those obnoxious electronic greeting cards — You know, the ones with that awful MIDI music playing in the background. When you receive it, open it up and leave it on your screen. Be sure to turn up your speakers. Then loudly react to it. Say something like, “Oh my! I’m gonna kill her! Ha ha ha! Would you look at that!” If people don’t come running, turn up the music. “Ha ha ha ha! How do you turn this damn this off?” (Welcome to Pity Country.)

If none of the above tactics work, you’re either hated by all or you’re working among the deaf and blind. Really, there’s not much else you can do, aside from maybe writing a blog entry about birthdays and ending it by mentioning the day of your birth (February 8). Sure, it’s not very subtle. But you’re a self-centered bastard and everybody knows it. Bleh.

Yes, kids, it’s that time of year again. Time to take part in that yearly ritual where you draw a name out of a hat and pray to Allah that it’s someone you actually like. It’s Secret Santa time.

Not familiar with the Secret Santa concept? You obviously don’t work in an office environment. The idea behind having a Secret Santa is that everyone gets a gift and nobody feels left out of the festivities. Still, there are some drawbacks to the Secret Santa idea. To keep things “fair,” you’re given a budget of $20. But with that $20, you’re expected to purchase something your person will actually like, possibly even use.

This is easy to do if you happen to draw the name of someone you know. But there’s always that year where you’re the last to draw and you end up getting the name everyone else has thrown back. It’s that weird girl who sits in the corner and talks to her paperclips. Since you hardly know the person, you have no idea what to get her. But while I can’t help you choose the perfect gift, I can offer some guidance as to what not to give.

INAPPROPRIATE SECRET SANTA GIFTS

A case of deodorant. Though it’s a great way to give a man or lady a hint that they need to shower more often, it’s not considered to be in good taste. Besides, how do you know which brand they like? (If they have a brand.)

The Ziggy Anthology. While you may assume that the Ziggy comic strip is quite popular, studies show that the only people who actually like Ziggy are its creator and its publisher. Stay away from this bulb-nosed freak.

Flowers. Girls might take it the wrong way and think you like them. Guys will end up kicking your ass. (at least the heterosexual ones)

An inspirational wall calendar. There’s no better way to say “I don’t give a shit” 365 days a year. Come on people, a calendar is a personal thing. After all, you’re not the one who has to stare at a bad picture of a waterfall for an entire month with a caption that reads “Good ideas are like rainbows.” Who comes up with this crap?

A twenty dollar bill. Though this may be the most appreciated gift you can give, nobody wants to admit it. However, if you do end up giving her a twenty dollar bill, make sure it’s a new one. And don’t stuff it in her cleavage, pat her on the tush and say “Get yourself somethin’ nice.”

Anything shaped like a penis. Granted, a lot of great gifts are phallic shaped. But while everyone enjoys the convenience of a pepper mill or an oversized dildo, some might think of them as symbols of sexuality. I suggest you save the pepper mill for the bedroom.

That’s all I could come up with. The rest were rather crude and inappropriate for this family-oriented blog. However, nobody’s stopping you from sharing your own advice. The link’s right there. Click on it.

Since I’ll be moving into my new place soon, I’ve been busy reading up on all the latest interior design tips. They’re really quite helpful. For instance, did you know you should avoid bright colours in the bedroom? Apparently, people find them very distracting. Good thing I read that article before I bought the day-glo paint. To make sure that no one else makes these kinds of mistakes, I thought it would be a good idea to share some of my research with you:

DO: Consider installing a nicely finished hardwood floor. Hardwood is a highly desirable feature in most new homes and is considered a good investment.

DON’T: Try to save money by installing your own driftwood floor. While you may be going for that rustic look, the smell of dead fish and the splinters far outweigh the kitsch factor.

DO: Think about installing a decorative front door with a small glass insert. Since this is the first thing most visitors see, it’s a great way to make a good impression.

DON’T: Install one of those cool automatic sliding glass doors like at the supermarket. Sure, it may seem like a good idea. But the first time an elderly woman on a Rascal motorized vehicle wanders into your living room and asks where the “goddamn peas” are, you’ll realize the error of your ways.

DO: Update the kitchen with the latest upscale appliances.

DON’T: Go for that “retro” look by taking out the kitchen all together and putting in a wood-burning stove.

DO: Consider installing a luxury shower.

DON’T: Install a toilet inside the shower because you think it will be a “real time saver.” Though this is true, people may be too narrow minded to appreciate it, and then you’ll have to spend a lot of money to have it removed. I mean, it’s not your fault they can’t recognize a great idea when they see one. Sure it takes a while to get used to the idea of washing your hair while you’re sitting on the john, but you do eventually get used to it. Really. You know what, fuck you all. Ten years from now everyone’s gonna have a toilet in their shower. Then who’s gonna be laughing, huh? That’s right. Me!

Uh, anyway, I hope you found these tips helpful. I need to get back to throwing stuff away. . . I mean “packing.”

Those of you ladies who’ve had the pleasure of knowing me intimately are quite aware of my expertise in the art of lip lovin’. I don’t want to toot my own horn, or use any tired cliches, but many of you have said (after regaining consciousness) that I should write a book and share my technique with the rest of the world. And that’s exactly what I’ve decided to do.

But then I realized something: Writing a book is just way too fucking hard. So instead, I present to you The Unforgettable Kiss.™ A kiss she will remember for the rest of her life. A kiss she will tell her grandchildren about, despite how disturbing it may be for the grandchildren to listen to. Come to think of it, maybe she should just forget about telling the grandchildren, or at least wait until they’re over 18.

Okay, without further delay, I give to you, The Unforgettable Kiss.™

Before you begin The Unforgettable Kiss,™ you first need to find yourself a lady. Preferably, one with lips. Not that I’m discriminating here. It’s just that, well, kissing is much easier when your lady has lips. Trust me, I know this from experience. I wish I didn’t. But I do.

Once you’ve found a lady with lips, you need make sure you have the right setting. You can pretty much use anyplace, aside from maybe the Holocaust Museum or a Catholic Monastery. I suggest either her doorstep or the inside of your car. But not while you’re driving. Sure, it may seem exciting at first. But next thing you know, you’ve hit a parked car and your date is being rushed to the operating room to have your tongue removed from her lower intestine. And while they can easily sew your tongue back on, nothing will ever quite taste the same, and you won’t be able to make it into that taco shape anymore. I really miss making the tongue taco.

Anyhow, where was I? Oh, right. The Unforgettable Kiss.™ So now that you’ve got yourself a lady and the right setting, it’s time to make your move. Turn to her and tell her what a great time you had and that you should really get together again soon. Then, just be silent and stare at her.

Eventually, she’ll become uncomfortable and try to say something. At this exact moment, grab her face, and look deeply into her eyes, past the cornea, through the pupil and beyond the vitreous. Then slowly lower your lips to her cheek and release a burst of air to create a loud “raspberry” sound. This will stun her into submission and cause her lips to part. She is yours.

Remember that motorboat noise you used to make with your lips when you were a kid? Do it now, then glide your vibrating lips over hers, massaging away all the tension in her mouth. By this time, she will start breathing heavily and attempt to pull you closer. Don’t let her.

Extend your tongue and lick all the way up from her chin, across her lips, over her nostrils and up the bridge of her nose and through her hair. Remove her hair from your mouth and then lower your lips to her left eye and gently suck. Careful, now. I don’t have to tell you what could happen if you suck too hard, especially if your lover wears contact lenses or has a glass eye.

Now it’s time for the best part. Take a deep breath, tilt her head back, pinch her nose and then place your lips over hers. Wait a minute, that’s CPR. Forget the head tilting, nose pinching part. Just place your lips over hers and then very subtly begin humming The Star Spangled Banner, getting louder and louder as you go. There is something about the vibrations created in her mouth by this tune that causes a woman to become putty in your hands, letting you shape her into whatever you desire, as well as press her against your favorite newspaper comic strip and have the mirror image appear on her skin. Cool.

By the time you’ve finished humming The Start Spangled Banner, your date will have lost consciousness. Now, a less polite man might try to take advantage of a situation like this. Do not give in to temptation. Carefully, carry her out to her doorstep (if she isn’t there already) and lay her down on the doormat. On second thought, you might want to leave her somewhere less conspicuous, such as behind a shubbery, or on a wooden bench swing, like in Back To The Future. Before you go, place a gentle kiss on her forehead and slip a rose behind her ear. Just remember to remove the thorns first.

If you do find that you simply cannot resist temptation and decide to go for a boob squeeze before you leave, be polite and leave a note to let her know exactly which breast you fondled and for how long. To save time, it’s best to have some pre-typed notes signed and ready in your glove box.

Of course, not all women will have a positive reaction to The Unforgettable Kiss.™ Some might slap you in the face, kick you in the teeth, or spray you with mace. They could even refuse to go out with you again. Or file a restraining order. Don’t take it personally. The Unforgettable Kiss™ is not for everyone. In fact, it’s really not for most. But when you do find that special girl who’s willing to let you lick her face, suck her eyeball and sing into her mouth, well, let me tell ya, fellas, it’s just magic. Pure magic.

Yes, it’s that time again, folks. And you know what that means: You gotta wrap some gifts. Of course, some of you Martha-Stewart types won’t need any help. You actually make your own wrapping paper and can create a bow that looks exactly like the ones we humans purchase to to stick on our packages (I’m talking about gifts, here, you perverts. It’s Xmas, for godsakes!). The rest of you, however, need some help. Never fear. Follow these simple tips to ensure your gift wrapping experience is a pleasant one. Or at least a lot less irritating.

GET MORE PAPER THAN YOU NEED
A lot of you probably think you’ve got enough leftover paper from last year to make do. Trust me, you don’t. Those rolls may look fucking huge. But read the label. There’s probably three feet left on the entire roll. Get more paper.

HAVE A GIFT
You could be the greatest gift wrapper in the world, but if you don’t have a fucking gift to wrap, what good does it do you? Don’t wait until the last minute to go shopping. Nobody likes to unwrap a pack of chewing gum and a case of Pepsi on Xmas morning.

MEASURE BEFORE YOU CUT
Place the case of Pepsi on the paper and make sure you have enough to wrap around the gift with a slight overlap. You fuck this up and you’re out a shitload of paper. Once you’ve cut that part correctly. You need to make sure you have enough paper to cover at least half the side of gift. Any less, and someone’s going to see the Pepsi cans exposed and know that they probably shouldn’t shake their gift so hard before opening it. Any more, and you’re going to be dealing with a lot of extra paper and requiring a lot of extra tape. Which brings us to our next point:

DON’T USE SO MUCH GODDAMN TAPE
You’re trying to wrap a gift, not make it waterproof. Take it easy on the sticky stuff. Unless, of course, you’re some kind of sadistic prick who likes to watch people claw at their gifts until their fingers are raw.

SAVE YOUR SCRAPS
After you trim off the excess wrapping paper, save those leftover scraps. You never know when you’re going to hit the Lotto and have to wrap a lot of tiny jewelry boxes. Scraps are great for that kind of stuff. Also good for wrapping packs of chewing gum.

DON’T FUCK AROUND WITH FANCY BOWS
People don’t give a shit how much time your spent tying a fancy bow. They’re just going to tear into it with their greedy little hands anyway. Go to Costco and get yourself a trash bag full of stick-on bows. If you want to get fancy, buy some ribbon the same color as the stick on bow and wrap it around the gift first, tie it in a knot, then plop the bow over the knot. It gives the illusion that you spent more time than you actually did. A rather weak illusion, but an illusion just the same.

PEOPLE GET PAID TO DO THIS
You know what? It’s the holidays. You’ve got a lot of shit to deal with. Why fuck around with the wrapping part? There are places in every mall that will wrap your gifts while you wait. Just drop off your case of Pepsi and pack of chewing gum and grab your claim check. It only costs about three bucks a pop. Better yet, shop at the fancy stores and they’ll wrap your gift for free (all while a pianist plays renditions of your favorite holiday classics). Yet another reason to despise the rich.

Well, that’s all I’ve got for you. I hope it helps. Remember don’t run with scissors. But if you must, run with the sharp end pointing away from you. Have yourself a merry little Hanukamas. Feliz Navidad. And mechaleka-hi, mecha-hiney-ho.

If you’re not a men’s clothing designer, please ignore this entry. I just want to speak to the designers this time. Thanks.

First, let me just say, you’ve come up with some great stuff. Love the new fall line. Great fabrics. Nice cuts. But what’s with the fuckin’ logos? Do you really think we like wearing this stuff? Well, I don’t. Maybe I’m just unreasonable, but when I’m spending way more than I should on a pair of pants or a nice shirt, I don’t think I should have to advertise for you.

Guess? Nobody has to. It’s fucking Guess?! I could tell you that from ten blocks away: “Hey, look at that guy wearing that Guess? sweater. He must be a model. I wonder how much they paid him to wear that thing.” Nothing. He paid them. Clever.

I think I see where you’re going with this. But why stop at the logo? How bout a very nice sweater with a big logo on the front and all the store locations embroidered so elegantly on the back? Or maybe there could be a nice pocket built into the side where you could store beautifully embossed coupons that offer a 10% discount when you mention you saw that particular sweater.

Think of the possiblitles.

Why stop at thread and yarn? You could have the logo light up. Or even use those chasing lights like you find on liquor store signs. Who could miss that? You know people would wear that shit. They’ll wear anything they see on the runway. Be honest with me. Sometimes, you design that ugly stuff just to have a laugh when you see people actually wearing it. Am I right? God, I hope I’m right.

In case you’re too busy to read all the above, I’ll make this clear for you: LOSE THE FUCKING LOGOS! Much appreciated.