Since I’ll be moving into my new place soon, I’ve been busy reading up on all the latest interior design tips. They’re really quite helpful. For instance, did you know you should avoid bright colours in the bedroom? Apparently, people find them very distracting. Good thing I read that article before I bought the day-glo paint. To make sure that no one else makes these kinds of mistakes, I thought it would be a good idea to share some of my research with you:
DO: Consider installing a nicely finished hardwood floor. Hardwood is a highly desirable feature in most new homes and is considered a good investment.
DON’T: Try to save money by installing your own driftwood floor. While you may be going for that rustic look, the smell of dead fish and the splinters far outweigh the kitsch factor.
DO: Think about installing a decorative front door with a small glass insert. Since this is the first thing most visitors see, it’s a great way to make a good impression.
DON’T: Install one of those cool automatic sliding glass doors like at the supermarket. Sure, it may seem like a good idea. But the first time an elderly woman on a Rascal motorized vehicle wanders into your living room and asks where the “goddamn peas” are, you’ll realize the error of your ways.
DO: Update the kitchen with the latest upscale appliances.
DON’T: Go for that “retro” look by taking out the kitchen all together and putting in a wood-burning stove.
DO: Consider installing a luxury shower.
DON’T: Install a toilet inside the shower because you think it will be a “real time saver.” Though this is true, people may be too narrow minded to appreciate it, and then you’ll have to spend a lot of money to have it removed. I mean, it’s not your fault they can’t recognize a great idea when they see one. Sure it takes a while to get used to the idea of washing your hair while you’re sitting on the john, but you do eventually get used to it. Really. You know what, fuck you all. Ten years from now everyone’s gonna have a toilet in their shower. Then who’s gonna be laughing, huh? That’s right. Me!
Uh, anyway, I hope you found these tips helpful. I need to get back to throwing stuff away. . . I mean “packing.”
Yeah, and install a phone in that shower. In fact why not install a TV too and leave the front door open with arrows to tell the pizza guy which way to go?
When I was staying with my relatives in Korea years and years ago, I was freaked out by their bathroom because it was all tile, the walls and everything, with a drain in the middle of the floor, and no shower curtain, and a hose-type shower head, so after you were done with the shower you could, like, hose down the entire bathroom including the toilet. I think that’s a kickass idea and more Western homes should have it. Filthy barbarians!
dont’ go encouraging him, Bsquared!!!!
jeez. now he’s going to that, too.
(p.s. GREAT post, man.)
Same here, I used one while in Korea. It was awsome. Clean me, clean the toilet. Only problem was the wife crapping while I was in the shower/toilet.
hmmmmmmm. some things never change.
Okay, you do realize I was kidding, right? Seriously, who would think about putting a toilet in a shower? Of course, it’s in the bathtub where it belongs.
now i’m REALLY curious to see your new place!
Don’t throw things away… freecycle them: http://freecycle.org
Uh… that is… unless it’s guns or porn. The freecycle rules state is must be free, legal, and appropriate for all ages…
I have a roommate that turns on the gas oven in the morning to heat the living room, so a wood burning stove might be a wise investment….
Hm, just hope the pilot light doesn’t go out on that oven.
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