This Is The Dawning of The Age of . . . Me

Hey, don’t you hate it when you ask someone when their birthday is and they won’t tell you? “Guess,” they say. Oh, that should be easy. After all, there are only, what, 365 days in the year? Hm, let me take a stab at it. Is it June 11? No? How ’bout March 8? Well, two down, 363 to go.

Yeah, I do it too. What’s the big deal? It’s your fucking birthday. Just spit out the damn date and get it over with. What’s ironic is, most of us actually get upset when our birthday comes and goes and nobody acknowledges it. You might call it the paradox of the ages. (Ha, did you get that? Of the ages? Bleh.)

So, yeah, most of us like to receive a few good wishes on our special day. But unless your office posts one of those b-day calendars every month, there’s no way for anyone to know when your birthday actually is. That’s why I’ve come up with a few subtle hints to ensure your birthday won’t go unnoticed. I call them “A Few Subtle Hints To Ensure Your Birthday Won’t Go Unnoticed.” And here they are:

About a week before your birthday, start talking about how old you feel, possibly mention that you’ll be feeling even older next week. (OK, that’s not such a subtle one.)

A few days before your birthday, start talking about how your family wants to take you to dinner and how you really don’t want them to make such a big deal of it. “Of what?” they’ll say. (Yeah, you’ve got ’em where you want ’em.)

A day before you birthday, mention to your friend or coworker how you were thinking about taking the day off tomorrow. After all, it’s your day. (Now you’re just getting desperate.)

The day of your birthday, if you don’t see any banners or balloons in your cubicle, get on your computer and send yourself one of those obnoxious electronic greeting cards — You know, the ones with that awful MIDI music playing in the background. When you receive it, open it up and leave it on your screen. Be sure to turn up your speakers. Then loudly react to it. Say something like, “Oh my! I’m gonna kill her! Ha ha ha! Would you look at that!” If people don’t come running, turn up the music. “Ha ha ha ha! How do you turn this damn this off?” (Welcome to Pity Country.)

If none of the above tactics work, you’re either hated by all or you’re working among the deaf and blind. Really, there’s not much else you can do, aside from maybe writing a blog entry about birthdays and ending it by mentioning the day of your birth (February 8). Sure, it’s not very subtle. But you’re a self-centered bastard and everybody knows it. Bleh.

Comments 26

  1. Lani wrote:

    Happy Birthday!! I’m gonna guess that Feb 8th is your day? Yeah!

    So mine was Jan 22nd. Remember that for next year will ya? I like getting phone calls and emails from family, friends and strangers wishing me a wonderful birthday and many more. Thanks dude!

    Posted 07 Feb 2005 at 3:07 pm
  2. Smivey wrote:

    Yeah, it is February 8. How did you know? I really try to keep it a secret. Don’t want anyone to make a big deal of it.

    Posted 07 Feb 2005 at 5:22 pm
  3. Lani wrote:

    I know you don’t want me to make a big deal about it, but I’ll be in Times Square where the ball drops. Just look up and you’ll see some sort of object drop. Then we’ll all celebrate.

    Posted 07 Feb 2005 at 7:36 pm
  4. waf wrote:

    lol you’re so cute. Happy Birthday stranger.

    Posted 07 Feb 2005 at 9:05 pm
  5. Mr. O wrote:

    Happy Birthday. Your Old. Ha!

    Posted 07 Feb 2005 at 11:29 pm
  6. Smivey wrote:

    Thanks everyone. Gosh, I don’t know how you found out when my birthday is. I’m so embarassed.

    Posted 07 Feb 2005 at 11:46 pm
  7. Man with no Name wrote:

    Bugger, Appy Birthday! I guess we just took Ur not so subtle hints man that leaves a b’day go unnoticed..

    Just thought I’ll add in my 2c.. dont believe in celebrating something wrong that happened such a goddam long time ago.. but thats just me..

    Happy B’day once again!!!

    Posted 08 Feb 2005 at 5:40 am
  8. Lani wrote:

    Hey there.
    I know I already wished you one yesterday, but it’s better to wish you one today since TODAY is your b-day! So…..

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY, YOU SEXY MAN, YOU!!

    I wish you many, many more! Don’t go spending all your birthday money all in one place!

    Posted 08 Feb 2005 at 3:51 pm
  9. smivey wrote:

    Sexy man? You get all that from reading my words? Hmm

    Posted 08 Feb 2005 at 4:34 pm
  10. Lani wrote:

    Yep!

    Posted 08 Feb 2005 at 6:19 pm
  11. J wrote:

    u know wot? i’m gonna send this piece of ur blog as a FWD to everybody i know… the day before my bday. Can i? plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz :-)

    Posted 09 Feb 2005 at 5:45 am
  12. kris wrote:

    happy birthday, ol’ boy

    Posted 09 Feb 2005 at 9:50 am
  13. annamatic wrote:

    Oops. Happy belated. *tousles your hair* You old whatchamajigger.

    Posted 10 Feb 2005 at 1:08 am
  14. shandi wrote:

    Hysterical. I am going to send your post to a friend of mine. She didn’t speak to me for 3 days because I forgot her birthday (June 12 I think). She needs to learn some tactful hints. BTW I let her forget mine 2 months later. Happy be-lated birthday. After all, I didn’t even know you until today.

    Posted 10 Feb 2005 at 3:00 pm
  15. Smivey wrote:

    Nobody actually “knows” me, because I’m so fucking mysterious.

    Posted 10 Feb 2005 at 6:10 pm
  16. LJ wrote:

    You’re right. I don’t know you cause you’re so mysterious. Can I know you?

    Where did you go to school?

    How many siblings do you have?

    What’s the name of the guy that makes your sandwich at the deli? And do you like how he makes it?

    Posted 11 Feb 2005 at 3:55 pm
  17. Smivey wrote:

    If I told you all that, I would no longer be mysterious, would I? I live in L.A., so I don’t go to delis much. But if I did, I think Sal would be making my sandwiches. Sal sounds like a guy who could make a mean pastrami on rye. Too bad I only eat fish.

    Posted 11 Feb 2005 at 5:00 pm
  18. jules wrote:

    i love this post.

    MY BIRTHDAY IS OCTOBER 4th

    Posted 12 Feb 2005 at 12:35 am
  19. smivey wrote:

    I’ve made a note of it.

    Posted 12 Feb 2005 at 5:49 am
  20. Joe wrote:

    Happy belated birthday, you sexy sexy man. Oh, wait, that’s been done already.

    Oh well, then consider this to be extremely early birthday wishes for next year.

    Posted 16 Feb 2005 at 1:39 am
  21. knitgirl wrote:

    sexy man….I love it!!!!!

    be comfortable with your hotness!!
    btw, I’m june 4’th….so remember that too!

    Posted 08 Feb 2007 at 9:32 am
  22. Smivey wrote:

    Hotness? Should I be expecting hot flashes now?

    Posted 08 Feb 2007 at 11:57 am
  23. knitgirl wrote:

    that would be andro pause….or pos….and I don’t think you’re quite there yet….

    or are you?!? muah ha haaaaaa!

    Posted 08 Feb 2007 at 9:26 pm
  24. Norton wrote:

    You know you are 40 now. Do you feel your mortality? You have what… about 30 more years?

    Posted 06 Oct 2007 at 9:47 pm
  25. Smivey wrote:

    Thirty more years? HA! More like ten.

    Posted 06 Oct 2007 at 9:50 pm
  26. Norton wrote:

    It’s going to be God’s little joke and you’ll probably live 40 more years, you happy man, you.

    Posted 06 Oct 2007 at 9:53 pm

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