The Unforgettable Kiss™

Those of you ladies who’ve had the pleasure of knowing me intimately are quite aware of my expertise in the art of lip lovin’. I don’t want to toot my own horn, or use any tired cliches, but many of you have said (after regaining consciousness) that I should write a book and share my technique with the rest of the world. And that’s exactly what I’ve decided to do.

But then I realized something: Writing a book is just way too fucking hard. So instead, I present to you The Unforgettable Kiss.™ A kiss she will remember for the rest of her life. A kiss she will tell her grandchildren about, despite how disturbing it may be for the grandchildren to listen to. Come to think of it, maybe she should just forget about telling the grandchildren, or at least wait until they’re over 18.

Okay, without further delay, I give to you, The Unforgettable Kiss.™

Before you begin The Unforgettable Kiss,™ you first need to find yourself a lady. Preferably, one with lips. Not that I’m discriminating here. It’s just that, well, kissing is much easier when your lady has lips. Trust me, I know this from experience. I wish I didn’t. But I do.

Once you’ve found a lady with lips, you need make sure you have the right setting. You can pretty much use anyplace, aside from maybe the Holocaust Museum or a Catholic Monastery. I suggest either her doorstep or the inside of your car. But not while you’re driving. Sure, it may seem exciting at first. But next thing you know, you’ve hit a parked car and your date is being rushed to the operating room to have your tongue removed from her lower intestine. And while they can easily sew your tongue back on, nothing will ever quite taste the same, and you won’t be able to make it into that taco shape anymore. I really miss making the tongue taco.

Anyhow, where was I? Oh, right. The Unforgettable Kiss.™ So now that you’ve got yourself a lady and the right setting, it’s time to make your move. Turn to her and tell her what a great time you had and that you should really get together again soon. Then, just be silent and stare at her.

Eventually, she’ll become uncomfortable and try to say something. At this exact moment, grab her face, and look deeply into her eyes, past the cornea, through the pupil and beyond the vitreous. Then slowly lower your lips to her cheek and release a burst of air to create a loud “raspberry” sound. This will stun her into submission and cause her lips to part. She is yours.

Remember that motorboat noise you used to make with your lips when you were a kid? Do it now, then glide your vibrating lips over hers, massaging away all the tension in her mouth. By this time, she will start breathing heavily and attempt to pull you closer. Don’t let her.

Extend your tongue and lick all the way up from her chin, across her lips, over her nostrils and up the bridge of her nose and through her hair. Remove her hair from your mouth and then lower your lips to her left eye and gently suck. Careful, now. I don’t have to tell you what could happen if you suck too hard, especially if your lover wears contact lenses or has a glass eye.

Now it’s time for the best part. Take a deep breath, tilt her head back, pinch her nose and then place your lips over hers. Wait a minute, that’s CPR. Forget the head tilting, nose pinching part. Just place your lips over hers and then very subtly begin humming The Star Spangled Banner, getting louder and louder as you go. There is something about the vibrations created in her mouth by this tune that causes a woman to become putty in your hands, letting you shape her into whatever you desire, as well as press her against your favorite newspaper comic strip and have the mirror image appear on her skin. Cool.

By the time you’ve finished humming The Start Spangled Banner, your date will have lost consciousness. Now, a less polite man might try to take advantage of a situation like this. Do not give in to temptation. Carefully, carry her out to her doorstep (if she isn’t there already) and lay her down on the doormat. On second thought, you might want to leave her somewhere less conspicuous, such as behind a shubbery, or on a wooden bench swing, like in Back To The Future. Before you go, place a gentle kiss on her forehead and slip a rose behind her ear. Just remember to remove the thorns first.

If you do find that you simply cannot resist temptation and decide to go for a boob squeeze before you leave, be polite and leave a note to let her know exactly which breast you fondled and for how long. To save time, it’s best to have some pre-typed notes signed and ready in your glove box.

Of course, not all women will have a positive reaction to The Unforgettable Kiss.™ Some might slap you in the face, kick you in the teeth, or spray you with mace. They could even refuse to go out with you again. Or file a restraining order. Don’t take it personally. The Unforgettable Kiss™ is not for everyone. In fact, it’s really not for most. But when you do find that special girl who’s willing to let you lick her face, suck her eyeball and sing into her mouth, well, let me tell ya, fellas, it’s just magic. Pure magic.

Comments 10

  1. Sean wrote:

    Sounds Earth shattering. Only, I thought it would be unforgettable for a whole host of other reasons. You only posted the message, but in the few seconds it has been up, I’ve tried it twice and I must say that the time in the Holocaust museum wasn’t as bad as I thought it would have been. They were closed and the janitor sure had something to say (I think he wanted a piece of the action) but I just let him know that what I was doing was in the name of science and that if he provoked me further, I’d tell everyone in the place he is a Palestinian. Any recipies? I’m cooking turkey breast tonight.

    Posted 26 Jan 2004 at 5:21 am
  2. Violet wrote:

    ohmygod! that was the funniest shit I’ve read in a while. I was eating a cookie as I was reading, and I got to the part about licking from her chin to her hair, and I laughed so hard that I got cookie crumbs all over my desk. I’m expecting you to come clean them up now.

    Posted 26 Jan 2004 at 7:29 am
  3. Glovia wrote:

    Only now that I’ve gone to the restroom to wash mascara tears off my face from laughing so damn hard can I comment.

    Smiv, you’ve outdone yourself. That was the funniest stuff I’ve read, like maybe ever. I think I cracked a rib. Good Lord, you’re hilarious. That would make one hell of a Girl Scout skit.

    Posted 26 Jan 2004 at 5:31 pm
  4. Edith wrote:

    Just riffing, hopefully in the correct style:

    Ever made out with one of those people embarrassed about you making sounds? I am thinking of reasonable decibel levels, not something that would be classified as disturbing the peace. And these issues never come out at the beginning of the relationship either. The dweebs need to become comfortably intimate with you before they utter “What’s all the noise for?” or the sweeter and more open “I’m not comfortable with thinking that the neighbors might hear”. Now lets all be defectively inhibited together.

    And at that point in the relationship you think that they’ll change. I mean, they didn’t have a problem for the first two weeks (months, whatever), you reason, if you can call it that, in your affectionate haze. This should pass. Together you will start again to move towards the total ecstasy that you know you will achieve. You were put on this earth to show him how to grow beyond this.


    Take it from experience. Just give up. Mr. Would-Be-Right-If-Just (or Ms. for the guys) has deeper problems than you can possibly comprehend with your relatively well adjusted mind. I know. The anguish. Sorry. Do you want a double helping now, or the daily spoonful?

    Riff end.

    Posted 26 Jan 2004 at 6:26 pm
  5. Smivey wrote:

    The only reason you laughed was to relieve the sexual tension you began feeling while you were reading about The Unforgettable Kiss.™ I understand how you might have confused lust for amusement. But until you feel a tongue on your nostrils, you won’t know what you’re missing.

    Posted 26 Jan 2004 at 8:00 pm
  6. eris wrote:

    Oooo yeah baby, I wants me some of that. But you forgot about the always neglected earhole. My earholes are crying out for some loving dammit! Oh guys, are always nibbling the lobe but do they ever go in for the aural penetration? NO! Lousy bunch of teases.

    Posted 27 Jan 2004 at 6:05 pm
  7. Edith wrote:

    The best ear lover I ever knew was bi. I guess it takes a truely libertine guy to really “do” an ear.

    I should see what he is up to these days . . .

    Posted 27 Jan 2004 at 7:50 pm
  8. norton wrote:

    You 40 year old virgin, you.

    Posted 29 May 2007 at 9:22 pm
  9. norton wrote:

    Really funny stuff.

    Posted 29 May 2007 at 9:28 pm
  10. Smivey wrote:

    Thank you. I’m glad you enjoyed it.

    Posted 29 May 2007 at 10:08 pm

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