Inappropriate Secret-Santa Gifts

Yes, kids, it’s that time of year again. Time to take part in that yearly ritual where you draw a name out of a hat and pray to Allah that it’s someone you actually like. It’s Secret Santa time.

Not familiar with the Secret Santa concept? You obviously don’t work in an office environment. The idea behind having a Secret Santa is that everyone gets a gift and nobody feels left out of the festivities. Still, there are some drawbacks to the Secret Santa idea. To keep things “fair,” you’re given a budget of $20. But with that $20, you’re expected to purchase something your person will actually like, possibly even use.

This is easy to do if you happen to draw the name of someone you know. But there’s always that year where you’re the last to draw and you end up getting the name everyone else has thrown back. It’s that weird girl who sits in the corner and talks to her paperclips. Since you hardly know the person, you have no idea what to get her. But while I can’t help you choose the perfect gift, I can offer some guidance as to what not to give.


A case of deodorant. Though it’s a great way to give a man or lady a hint that they need to shower more often, it’s not considered to be in good taste. Besides, how do you know which brand they like? (If they have a brand.)

The Ziggy Anthology. While you may assume that the Ziggy comic strip is quite popular, studies show that the only people who actually like Ziggy are its creator and its publisher. Stay away from this bulb-nosed freak.

Flowers. Girls might take it the wrong way and think you like them. Guys will end up kicking your ass. (at least the heterosexual ones)

An inspirational wall calendar. There’s no better way to say “I don’t give a shit” 365 days a year. Come on people, a calendar is a personal thing. After all, you’re not the one who has to stare at a bad picture of a waterfall for an entire month with a caption that reads “Good ideas are like rainbows.” Who comes up with this crap?

A twenty dollar bill. Though this may be the most appreciated gift you can give, nobody wants to admit it. However, if you do end up giving her a twenty dollar bill, make sure it’s a new one. And don’t stuff it in her cleavage, pat her on the tush and say “Get yourself somethin’ nice.”

Anything shaped like a penis. Granted, a lot of great gifts are phallic shaped. But while everyone enjoys the convenience of a pepper mill or an oversized dildo, some might think of them as symbols of sexuality. I suggest you save the pepper mill for the bedroom.

That’s all I could come up with. The rest were rather crude and inappropriate for this family-oriented blog. However, nobody’s stopping you from sharing your own advice. The link’s right there. Click on it.

Comments 2

  1. boredhousewife wrote:


    now i have to add pepper mills to the list of uncommon household items which turn me on.


    Posted 16 Dec 2004 at 4:36 am
  2. smivey wrote:

    Especially those vibrating pepper mills, bhw.

    Posted 16 Dec 2004 at 5:02 am

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