Dear Drew, Stop. Please, stop. Stop trying to act. It’s not working, and you’re ruining the movie. When you were a child, it was kind of cute to watch you struggle through your lines. But now that you’re an adult, all the charm is gone. That lithpy way you thpeak is thho irritating. How ’bout […]
“You know what you need? Some exercise. Maybe a little weightlifting, possibly some cardio. Hey, I’ve got an idea. I was planning on building a patio this weekend. You should come over, pick up a hammer, get some fresh air. It’ll teach you a thing or two about carpentry. And who knows, you might even […]
Yesterday, I was feeling hungry. So I tossed a frozen quesadilla into the microwave and let it do its thing. Forty-five seconds later, I had a semi-soft tortilla with partially melted cheese. Which got me to thinking: Was this really any more convenient than making my own quesadilla? There was no meat that needed to […]
The RIAA is on the attack. They’re pissed off about this whole song-swapping bullshit, and now they’re going to do something about it. Mainly, sue grandmas and 12-year-old girls. But at least it’s progress. Sure, the RIAA are a bunch of dicks for pulling shit like this. But have you heard what the people named […]
For those of you who aren’t geeks, a “mod” is PC-user lingo for any modification made to a computer’s case or components. It’s sort of like buying a cheap Honda, then lowering it, adding HID headlamps, boring out the engine and adding low-profile tires and a kick-ass sound system. The only problem is, after all […]
You awaken with a smile from a wonderful dream. The sun beams through the window shades, casting the first morning’s shadows. After a satisfying yawn and good stretch, you swing your legs around to let your bare feet touch the cool hardwood floor. The scent of freshly brewed coffee–a Viennese Roast–taps you on the nose […]
There’s a reason why people shop online: Convenience. You find what you need. Enter a credit card number. And you’re done. But what if that item you’re purchasing happens to be a gift? Amazon.com says, no problem. For just a slight extra charge, they’ll wrap up your present and even attach a nice gift card […]
Make a statement and lower the value of your property, all at the same time. I’m speaking, of course, of the wonderful invention known as the “bumper sticker.” Yes, thanks to this marvelous medium, you can be assured that anyone who gets within five feet of the rear of your vehicle will receive your message, […]
Day-Glo colors. Whimsical ties. Oversized jackets. If you see any of these fashions on your comedian, you can be certain of one thing: You’re in for some really bad humor. Jokes about airline food. Quips regarding the weight and circumference of another’s mother. And let’s not forget the old standby: A gag about the VCR […]
Look, there’s a reason why I chose writing as a profession: My math skills suck. That’s why nothing pisses me off more than when I have to have to add, subtract, multiply or divide when someone could’ve saved me the trouble. Like why do parents insist on referring to their baby’s age in months after […]