Recently, I rediscovered the benefits of walking. Not just for better physical health. For better mental health. It helps me clear my mind and get my blood flowing for the day — so much better than a cup of coffee. In any case, I thought it might be interesting to record my thoughts as I walked. Since I haven’t figured out how this whole podcast thing works, I’ve had to resort to typing it all up for you. Hope you enjoy.
Well, here I go, out for my walk. Hey, there’s a squirrel. So cute. I love squirrels. I wonder what they taste like. Probably pretty gamey. Not much meat on them either. I would totally eat a squirrel—if I wasn’t a vegetarian. I mean, I’m not technically a vegetarian. I eat fish. Fuck, I almost stepped in some dog shit. I mean, excrement. Bleh. So gross. Oh, here’s a nice couch and a lamp. Why is someone throwing this out? If I was homeless, I would totally live here. Maybe I could get an extension cord and hook up that lamp to something. All I need is a throw rug and maybe some kind of coffee table. Ahhhh pretty comfy. Whoa. And very damp. Bleh. Now my ass is all wet. Great. I wonder if people can see it. Does it just look like I have a sweaty ass or does it seem like I had an accident? Why do people call pissing themselves an accident? It’s not like you ran into the pee. You knew it was coming, but you couldn’t hold it. Then again, what would you call it? A urinary malfunction? Hm.
Paragraph break. Why did I say that? I guess I figured I didn’t want to have one big block of copy. Hm. That was weird. I’m supposed to be recording my thoughts about this walk and not worrying about how it’s going to look when I type it out. Speaking of walking, I haven’t gotten very far. I can still see my front door from here. Actually, I’m next door. Hi! That was some lady with a dog. I don’t know why I said hi to her. I don’t know her and she didn’t seem to really want to know me. Fuck her. That was probably her dog’s shit. Bitch.
Paragraph break. Sorry about the paragraph break thing. I just can’t stop thinking about how this is going to look when you read it. OK, I’m walking again. Ow, my knee hurts. It sometimes gets like this when the weather is colder. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. OK, I give up. I’m going home. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. How do you turn this fucking thing off? It’s so fancy, it doesn’t have any words on it, just symbols. The red dot? Wouldn’t that be for record? Fuck. Maybe it’s—.
wow, as in capital W O W. I think everyone knows how it feels to walk down the street and see a couch that someone is throwing out and think, WHY? I mean, it is such a cute couch, matches, unique, whatever. But the answer always comes with the “sit-down”. Gotta tell you, 9 times out of 10, it’s wet. Hmm, has it rained? Dunno, but the couch is no good.
Exactly, Jill. Exactly. You have to wonder if they threw it out because it was wet or if it got wet by sitting outside. Actually, I don’t want to know.
Ah, just sipping on my third cup of coffee, reading your blog… Okay, maybe not so healthy, but let me tell you – PAINLESS. Happy walking.
I was in search of some inspiration this a.m. and came upon your site; I’m gonna go jump off a bridge now… because YOU are hysterical.
OMG, too funny. Keep it up! I’ll be back to visit.. should I survive the fall that is…
Thank you, Valerie. I hope you survive. Try to fall straight into the water, like a needle. This will crush your leg bones, but you’ll probably survive. Of course, this is all assuming that the bridge you’re jumping off of has water underneath it.
Please feel free to check out the archives for much more amusing stuff.
smiv, if i were you i would walk less and drink more. it mite help with the wordz.
No way. I’m not about to start drinking to become a great writer. I’ll stick to huffing, thank you very much.
Where do you walk? There aren’t much sidewalks out here in California.
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