One upon a time, atop a giant hill, there sat an enourmous castle. And in this castle, lived the most hideously ugly princess in all the land. I mean, seriously, this chick was hard to look at. All her sevants had to be nearsighted or legally blind. Otherwise, they’d end up involunatarily coughing up their lunch the moment they caught a glimpse of her.
Of course, nobody was going to tell the princess that she looked like the wrong end of a Shar-Pei. Instead, they would lower their eyes—not out of respect, but out of fear—and comment on how ravishing the princess looked.
“Princess Farta,” they’d say, “you looks so ravishing.”
And Princess Farta would smile, exposing her one purple tooth and her brown gums.
Urp. Sorry, I just threw up a little. Where was I? Oh, right, Farta.
So, yeah, people would lie whenever they they “saw” the princess. And when an unfortunate outsider happened to look straight at the princess and spewed forth the entire contents of his or her stomach, it would always be blamed on a 24-hour bug that was going around. In any case, pretty much everyone lied. Well, everyone but the magic mirror.
The princess would walk up to the magic mirrror and say, “Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the prettiest girl in the world?” (she couldn’t rhyme worth a shit.)
“Oh, well, isn’t it obvious?” the mirrror would reply. “I mean, yeah, you’re so beautiful. Maybe you should model or something.”
“Really?” the princess would ask.
“Oh, sure, yeah, like you could totallllyyyy be a model.”
“Wow. I never thought of myself as the model type.”
“Yeah, well, I wonder why that is.”
“I don’t know.”
“Honey, take a look in the mirror.”
And princess Farta would look into the mirror and she would smile at what she saw, exposing her purp—
Oh boy. I don’t know if I can finish this story. I mean, it was going to be pretty funny, since it had this kind of clever ending where the magic mirror tells the truth, but it’s always being sarcastic. But Princess Farta is too stupid to realize the change in tone of the mirror’s voice. Anyhow, every time I start writing about Farta’s smile, I get a little queasy. Well, a lot queasy. I need to get my mind off of that mouth. Hm.
Maybe if I think of puppy dogs and fluffy bunnies frolicking in the meadow. Awww so cute. Look at them wrestling with each other. The puppies really like the bunnies. So adorable. Wait a minute. They’re not playing! Hey, puppies! No! Stop! Oh the humanity! UGH! What a masacre. You’d think the bunnies would be able to fend for themselves. That’s just wrong. I blame myself for putting the bunnies in the same meadow as the puppies. That was stupid. Well, at least I’m not thinking of that mouth anym— ACK!
Fuck this. I give up. I’m calling my shrink.
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