Keen Observation

I found her corpse sprawled out on the sidewalk: a jumper, they said. Of course, I didn’t believe them. Sure, all the signs were there: the position of the body, the giant pool of blood, the shattered bones. But still, something wasn’t right.

Me? My name is Richard Keen, Private Investigator/Disc Jockey Extraordinaire, available for weddings, bar-mitzvahs and homicidal investigations. If you require my services, you’ll find me at The Badlands, spinning the latest Drum ‘n’ Bass grooves and chuckling to myself while I watch the crowd trying to figure out how to dance to the extremely erratic beats. The Private Investigator thing? It’s just a hobby.

You’d probably think it would be difficult to get past the official yellow police tape without flashing a badge and a mustache. But actually, there’s nothing to it. The key is to look like you’re supposed to be there. Nod at one of the officers as if you know him. Then pull out your notebook and say something like, “What’ve we got here, fellas?” Next thing you know, you’re smack dab in the middle of the crime scene, picking up objects with a ballpoint pen and putting them in little plastic baggies as if you had a lab to bring them to.

So what of that corpse? Like I said, something wasn’t right. One officer believed she fell ten stories and died immediately upon impact. Another suggested she might’ve been pushed. They were both full of shit. That woman wasn’t pushed. She didn’t even jump — not from this building, at least. After all, the closest structure was a one-story house and it was positioned at least 12 yards away.

I don’t know how anyone could leap nine stories up from a one-story house and land twelve yards away. Maybe if they were fired from a cannon? I glanced up at the roof: no cannon. I walked to the backyard to investigate another theory. There was no catapult either. Death by cannon and catapult could be ruled out. There was only one explanation. Unfortunately, I had no idea what that explanation was. I’m just a fucking DJ, for godsakes. The Private Investigator thing is just a hobby.

Comments 10

  1. lovesit wrote:

    Your dual careers must come in mighty handy at those bar mitzvahs, Mr. Keen. I’ve seen many a hora turn homicidal.

    Posted 05 Jun 2005 at 6:09 pm
  2. Lani wrote:

    Love this post!

    Posted 06 Jun 2005 at 3:41 pm
  3. waf wrote:

    is there going to be a part 2???

    Posted 08 Jun 2005 at 7:22 pm
  4. huh? wrote:

    do u play ‘murder on the dance floor’ often, monsieur DJ extraordinaire???

    Posted 09 Jun 2005 at 2:53 pm
  5. Arlene wrote:

    Hope so.

    Posted 09 Jun 2005 at 10:06 pm
  6. boredhousewife wrote:

    I’m thinking she was dropped from a low-flying plane…maybe a copter?

    Posted 12 Jun 2005 at 7:54 am
  7. Disastrogirl wrote:

    I think the fourth bear did it. I knew he was up to no good.

    Posted 14 Jun 2005 at 7:52 am
  8. boredhousewife wrote:

    I wish you would post more…

    thanks for the birthday wishes! :)

    Posted 23 Jun 2005 at 6:17 pm
  9. boredhousewife wrote:

    pretty soon I’m going to have YOU start guessing how many are MINE! :lol:

    post already.
    busy shmizzy.

    Posted 27 Jun 2005 at 6:31 pm
  10. disastrogirl wrote:

    Shmizzy. That could be your new nickname!

    Posted 02 Jul 2005 at 2:09 am

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