Bedtime Story

I thought I’d take a break from my usual true-to-life accounts to share with you a little fable my mother used to tell me after she tucked me into bed. This is exactly how I remember it:

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, a great adventure took place . . .

No, wait. That’s not right. Sorry, it’s been so long. The last time my mom told me this story, I was just a wide-eyed child of 15. OK, let’s try this again . . .

Once upon a time, there was a tiny little house that sat in a tiny little town, just north of Devonshire. And inside this tiny little house, lived a tiny little woman whose only companions were two tiny little dogs. Occasionally, those tiny little dogs would need to go outside to leave tiny little poops on the tiny little lawn. And those tiny little poops would sit there for weeks, because the tiny little woman preferred to watch her tiny little TV than clean up tiny little poops.

Over time, the tiny little poops grew into one enormous mound of shit. It wasn’t cute anymore. It was fucking disgusting. The tiny little woman’s tiny little neighbors banged on her tiny little door with all their might. But the tiny little bitch wouldn’t answer her tiny little door.

A massive swarm of tiny little flies descended on the tiny little town, blocking out the tiny little sun. The tiny little mayor called in the tiny little police to break down the tiny little woman’s tiny little door. To their surprise, the tiny little woman had reinforced her tiny little door with a thick (but tiny) layer of impenetrable steel.

Property values quickly plummeted. People abandoned their tiny little homes to escape the overwhelming stench of tiny little feces. You’d think it would be like living on a farm: eventually, you’d get used to the smell. But, no, the odor kept getting worse and worse.

The tiny little dogs couldn’t even go outside anymore to do their business. The door was blocked with their own waste. Instead, the pooches would sit there at the window, yipping away at the swarm of flies outside, as the tiny little woman sat in her tiny little hazmat suit, watching her tiny little TV, inhaling oxygen from her abundant supply of tiny little tanks.

She was quite happy, this tiny little woman. She had the whole town to herself. Occasionally, she’d take her tiny little dogs out for a walk (wearing one of her many hazmat suits) and let them leave tiny little poops all over the tiny little sidewalk. Before too long, there was absolutely no place left for this tiny little woman to walk without stepping on tiny little poops. Still, it was better than going through the trouble of cleaning up after her dogs.

Then, one day, a carpenter ant scurried its way through the tiny little village, crushing the tiny little woman and her tiny little house and her fucking tiny little yippy dogs. The moral of this story: Don’t be such a lazy ass and pick up after your dog. Now shut up and go to sleep.

Before I knew it, I was crying my way to slumberland. Ah, memories.

Comments 11

  1. Lani wrote:

    LOL….I love this tiny little story. Reminds me when my dad came home with a tiny little dog in his tiny little coat pockets. It was so tiny, that I lost it the first day the tiny little puppy came to my tiny little house.

    Aww…the memories….until some fat cow complained about my tiny little puppy making noise. But how much noise was my tiny little puppy making?? I never heard a peep! I think my dad told me a tiny little lie and got rid of it. I was only 6.

    Posted 21 Mar 2005 at 9:16 pm
  2. boredhousewife wrote:

    love it!

    Posted 21 Mar 2005 at 11:30 pm
  3. Alvin wrote:

    what a great tiny little story. just too damn cool.

    Posted 22 Mar 2005 at 6:00 am
  4. dvl wrote:

    this story made me feel sick, but just a tiny lil bit. got any stories about the library?

    Posted 23 Mar 2005 at 3:11 am
  5. smivey wrote:

    Library stories? Those kinds of tales belong on a completely different type of blog.

    Posted 23 Mar 2005 at 11:07 pm
  6. Lani wrote:

    Unless it has some type of horrible ending. Come on, Smivey. Smivey it up!! Write a library story, with a little touch of smivey.

    Posted 24 Mar 2005 at 3:42 pm
  7. Pip wrote:

    Yeah, a story about this guy who had too many library fines, and couldn’t pay them, and was going to go to jail.

    Except that the librarian liked him, and she wore high heels all the time, even when she was naked, and she insinuated that his library debt could be worked off in the stacks… only she didn’t mean re-indexing.

    And then…

    Oh, wait. That’s probably a movie already.

    Posted 24 Mar 2005 at 11:41 pm
  8. boredhousewife wrote:

    Yeah, Pip, I imagine it snuck into your subconscious due to the repeated viewings. hehehe. It IS a classic, after all.

    Posted 25 Mar 2005 at 9:31 pm
  9. Norton wrote:

    Great! I like fairy tales… got one of those?

    Posted 23 Apr 2007 at 7:35 pm
  10. Norton wrote:

    Oh stupid me… that was a fairy tale…

    Posted 23 Apr 2007 at 7:37 pm
  11. Smivey wrote:

    Here’s another bedtime story:

    Posted 23 Apr 2007 at 7:38 pm

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