Smivey Confessional #18,954

Walking into someone’s backyard, sitting down next to the chain-link fence. Petunia, a four-year-old Doberman Pincher, slowly approaches from the other side. She’s grinning from ear to ear.

SMIVEY: I don’t know how to say this, so I’m just gonna put it out there… I…Okay, I like fruity soap. There, I said it.

PETUNIA: grrrrrrrrrrrr GRRRRRRRR

SMIVEY: Hey, don’t be passing judgment on me. A guy can maintain his masculinity and still enjoy a nice cucumber/melon shower gel.

PETUNIA: ROFE! ROFE GRRRRRRR ROFE ROFE [RUFF!] ROFE! ROFE!

SMIVEY: Oh, I see. Just because I’m a man, I’m supposed to torture myself with regular soap? Fuck that.

PETUNIA: GRRRRR ROFE GRRRR ROFE-ROFE ROFE!

SMIVEY: Yeah, what do you know? You lick your own balls, for godsakes!

PETUNIA: ROFE! ROFE-ROFE! ROFE!

SMIVEY: Yeah? No wonder you’re such a bitch. Bite me.

Petunia does her best to fulfill my wishes. She forces her snout through the chain-link fence and gets within centimeters of digging one of her fangs into my hand. I stand up and stare her down. She jumps at the fence, trying to scale it, barking away.

PETUNIA: ROFE! ROFE! ROFE-ROFE ROFE! ROFE-ROFE! ROFE-ROFE-ROFE-ROFE! ROFE-ROFE-ROFE-ROFE-ROFE-ROFE!

SMIVEY: I AMMMM A HETEROSEXUAL MALE, AND I SMELLLL LIKE CUCUMBER AND MELONNNNNNNN!

This is around when the police arrived. They drew their guns and told me to keep my hands in the air. In hindsight, 3:30 am was probably not the best time for this particular confessional.

Comments 5

  1. Allison wrote:

    It’s ok. You don’t have to keep it a secret. Doesn’t this make you one of those uber-hip metrosexuals?

    Either that, or you could join Soap-Anon.

    Posted 30 Dec 2003 at 8:05 pm
  2. Smivey wrote:

    I was metrosexual before the term even existed. I think my dad suspects, but he’s in denial. He keeps sending me coupons for Irish Spring.

    Posted 30 Dec 2003 at 8:17 pm
  3. Ren wrote:

    *LMAO*

    What’s funny is that I SELL Melon and Cucumber soap…

    Want some?

    Posted 30 Dec 2003 at 11:22 pm
  4. dvl wrote:

    i can put up with guys smelling like melon & cucumber… but will someone please explain why i am forced to wash my coffee mug with spring flower scented dishwashing liquid???
    bleh.

    Posted 30 Dec 2003 at 11:36 pm
  5. Smivey wrote:

    Well, Ren, do you work for the Shikai company? That’s my shower gel of choice.

    Posted 31 Dec 2003 at 1:10 am

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