Yes, it’s that time again, folks. And you know what that means: You gotta wrap some gifts. Of course, some of you Martha-Stewart types won’t need any help. You actually make your own wrapping paper and can create a bow that looks exactly like the ones we humans purchase to to stick on our packages (I’m talking about gifts, here, you perverts. It’s Xmas, for godsakes!). The rest of you, however, need some help. Never fear. Follow these simple tips to ensure your gift wrapping experience is a pleasant one. Or at least a lot less irritating.
GET MORE PAPER THAN YOU NEED
A lot of you probably think you’ve got enough leftover paper from last year to make do. Trust me, you don’t. Those rolls may look fucking huge. But read the label. There’s probably three feet left on the entire roll. Get more paper.
HAVE A GIFT
You could be the greatest gift wrapper in the world, but if you don’t have a fucking gift to wrap, what good does it do you? Don’t wait until the last minute to go shopping. Nobody likes to unwrap a pack of chewing gum and a case of Pepsi on Xmas morning.
MEASURE BEFORE YOU CUT
Place the case of Pepsi on the paper and make sure you have enough to wrap around the gift with a slight overlap. You fuck this up and you’re out a shitload of paper. Once you’ve cut that part correctly. You need to make sure you have enough paper to cover at least half the side of gift. Any less, and someone’s going to see the Pepsi cans exposed and know that they probably shouldn’t shake their gift so hard before opening it. Any more, and you’re going to be dealing with a lot of extra paper and requiring a lot of extra tape. Which brings us to our next point:
DON’T USE SO MUCH GODDAMN TAPE
You’re trying to wrap a gift, not make it waterproof. Take it easy on the sticky stuff. Unless, of course, you’re some kind of sadistic prick who likes to watch people claw at their gifts until their fingers are raw.
SAVE YOUR SCRAPS
After you trim off the excess wrapping paper, save those leftover scraps. You never know when you’re going to hit the Lotto and have to wrap a lot of tiny jewelry boxes. Scraps are great for that kind of stuff. Also good for wrapping packs of chewing gum.
DON’T FUCK AROUND WITH FANCY BOWS
People don’t give a shit how much time your spent tying a fancy bow. They’re just going to tear into it with their greedy little hands anyway. Go to Costco and get yourself a trash bag full of stick-on bows. If you want to get fancy, buy some ribbon the same color as the stick on bow and wrap it around the gift first, tie it in a knot, then plop the bow over the knot. It gives the illusion that you spent more time than you actually did. A rather weak illusion, but an illusion just the same.
PEOPLE GET PAID TO DO THIS
You know what? It’s the holidays. You’ve got a lot of shit to deal with. Why fuck around with the wrapping part? There are places in every mall that will wrap your gifts while you wait. Just drop off your case of Pepsi and pack of chewing gum and grab your claim check. It only costs about three bucks a pop. Better yet, shop at the fancy stores and they’ll wrap your gift for free (all while a pianist plays renditions of your favorite holiday classics). Yet another reason to despise the rich.
Well, that’s all I’ve got for you. I hope it helps. Remember don’t run with scissors. But if you must, run with the sharp end pointing away from you. Have yourself a merry little Hanukamas. Feliz Navidad. And mechaleka-hi, mecha-hiney-ho.
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