The thing about sore throats is they kind of creep up on you. On the first day, it’s just a little tickle in the back of your mouth. But by the next morning, your throat feels like Linda Lovelace’s after Take 47. In other words, it’s pretty fucked up.
So, what do you do? You pop some Echinacea Goldenseal and wash it down with a pint of orange juice. You gargle with salt water. You fix yourself a cup of hot tea with lemon. And then you go hunting for the lozenges.
Of course, it’s been months since you last needed a medicated candy. And like most sweets, they tend to deteriorate over time. The lozenges you find gathering dust on top of the refrigerator are no exception.
Each candy has a gummy substance on it that makes it cling to the wrapper like a scab on a wound. Once you finally pry the lozenge from its paper skin (and pick off all the leftover pulp), you pop the sticky candy into your mouth, looking forward to some sweet relief.
Then the real torture begins.
The gooey strands on the candy quickly harden, creating little spikes on the surface of the sweet. Spikes which then proceed to tear up the roof of your mouth, soothing your throat while bruising your palette. Torture then relief. Torture then relief:
“Owww….ahhhhh….Owwww…..ahhhhh….Owwwwwwwww…..ahhhhhhhhhhh”
Sore throats may be a pain in the neck. But Old Lozenges suck.
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