This is not a rant about cashiers or chess’s retarded cousin. It’s about people who still write checks to pay for their groceries. I’m sorry, is an ATM card just too convenient for you? Perhaps you’d like to switch to a fountain pen? Or maybe ink and quill? Better yet, why not convert all your […]
The trouble with Troubleshooting Guides is they never include the tough problems like the ones I have. It’s always something stupid: Problem: No sound, no picture. Solution: Check to see if television is plugged in. Make sure set is turned on and volume is turned up. Duh. What I want to know is why the […]
What’s with this recent trend towards adding freeze-dried fruit to breakfast cereals? I’ll admit, on the surface, it sounds like a great idea: “Hey I’ve got strawberries in my cereal!” But in reality, it’s more like this: “What the fuck is this red shit in my cereal, and why is it turning my milk pink?” […]
Has this every happened to you? You’re pushing the shopping cart through the supermarket when you suddenly get to this uneven part of the floor. The cart dips down just for a second, throwing off your equilibrium and making you wonder if you’re going to faint. No? I’m the only one? Figures. Shopping Cart Vertigo […]
Popcorn, Goobers and soft drinks on ice. What do all of these foods have in common? That’s right. They make a shitload of noise. So why did they become such popular cinema snacks? I have no fucking idea. It’s like the theaters used a decibel meter to choose the loudest products to sell: Rattling candy […]
For those of you who don’t know, Kendel Ehrlich is the wife of Maryland governor Robert Ehrlich. Seems, during a speech on domestic abuse, Kendel stated that she thought Britney Spears was a bad influence on today’s youth, and, if she had the opportunity, she would shoot the Madonna-kissing whore (okay, the Madonna-kissing whore part […]
We’ve all heard about the moron who scalded her lap with piping hot coffee and then sued McDonald’s for a shitload of money. As a result, every fucking cup of coffee you buy now has to have that stupid message on it: “Warning! Contents Hot!” No shit. I’m surprised it doesn’t say, “Warning! Don’t Drive […]
You pull into the driveway after a long day of work, looking forward to some well-deserved rest. As you get out the car, your next door neighbor walks up and says something stupid like, “Cold enough for ya?” “Uh, well, it is October.” you reply. “Right. Right. My son says it’s in the fifties in […]
Have you ever noticed how incredibly stupid spiders can be? They’ll spend hours creating this intricate web, a marvel of nature. But where do they build it? Right in the doorway. Which means I get to walk into it, do my paranoid-schizophrenic dance (patent pending) and then spend the next half hour swatting at my […]
Am I the only one who gets irritated when somebody uses his thumb and pinky to pantomime a phone conversation? What the fuck is that? I suppose about twenty-five years ago (when people actually still dialed phones) it kind of made sense. Back then, most phones had the ear piece and mouth piece protruding from […]