The Sexy Voice

Last week*, I had the pleasure of sharing my body with the influenza virus. No, I’m not being sarcastic. I kind of dig having the flu. Sure, there’s the fever and the sweating and the yacking. But after all that, if you’re really lucky, you might just be given the pleasure of having The Sexy Voice.

Yes, that’s right, The Sexy Voice. A deeper, manlier voice. A voice that seems to come from some other entity inside. A voice that makes heads turn. A voice of authority. A voice of influence. A voice that cannot be ignored. It is The Sexy Voice, and it is exclusively mine.

I had The Sexy Voice last week, but not for long. I was given the gift for less than a day. And that’s just the thing about The Sexy Voice: You never know how long you’re going to have it. So the moment you get it, you have to work fast. Call your friends and see if they can tell who’s calling. Rerecord your voicemail greeting. And if you work in Advertising (as I do), walk around the agency, reading as many radio and TV scripts as you can. People will tell you,  you should do voiceover work professionally. Thank them for the compliments, but don’t let it all go to your head. Because, before you know it, The Sexy Voice will be gone.

Which brings us to today. I woke up at around 5:00 AM, hacking and coughing. The time of the sexy voice has past. I am now nothing more than another victim of the flu, sniffling and sneezing, wondering when this torture will be over. When I try to speak, I sound like Satan going through puberty. It’s not a pretty voice. It’s not a sexy voice. It’s the voice of a sick, pathetic old man. And I can live with that — as long as it means I have those few precious hours of joy where my vocal chords sound like they’re lined with velvet.

Of course, I know influenza is a very serious virus, capable of killing someone if not properly controlled. But I still refuse to get a flu shot every year. It’s not just because I have an overwhelming fear of needles (even though that’s the biggest reason), or that the influenza virus mutates every year, making the flu “vaccine” nothing more than an educated guess. No, there’s another reason, a very stupid reason. A reason that is pretty obvious by now, but I’m going to wait to tell you, just so I can add more rhythm to this paragraph and end it dramatically. That reason, of course, is The Sexy Voice.

*By “last week,” I mean more like last year. When I started writing this blog entry, I really did have the flu the week before. But it took me months to finally get around to finishing it. Yeah. Talk about procrastination.

Comments 8

  1. Lani wrote:

    Wow, you’re slacking!! Stop it!

    Posted 15 Jul 2009 at 9:58 am
  2. Sylvia wrote:

    Write more, write more, write more.

    Posted 22 Jul 2009 at 9:40 pm
  3. The Teenage Girl wrote:

    OMG! You are hilarious! I love your sexy voice entry! Keep it up! I’m putting a link to you on my blog. Visit my blog if you can by the way. :)

    Posted 04 Aug 2009 at 1:57 am
  4. Bruce wrote:

    Wow, you’re slacking!! Stop it!

    Posted 19 May 2010 at 10:14 am
  5. Elfin Slade wrote:

    Sometimes I hear sexy voices in my head but they speak in tongues and I can’t understand what they’re saying.

    Posted 07 Oct 2011 at 12:53 pm
  6. Smivey wrote:

    That’s completely normal.

    Posted 08 Oct 2011 at 1:06 am
  7. Shatha wrote:

    That’s super hilarious! I get the ‘Sexy Voice’ concept and I guess I’m usually lucky to get it for a few days at a time but the pain and headache that come with it suck big time! Love your writing style and looking forward to reading more..

    Posted 09 Feb 2013 at 3:45 am
  8. Smivey wrote:

    Thanks, Shatha. Enjoy your sexy voice when you have it, for it’s usually followed by a choking-on-phlegm voice—not so sexy.

    Posted 09 Feb 2013 at 5:19 am

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