Welcome to another episode of . . . Ultra-Suspense . . . Theater!
Today’s story starts innocently enough with a small girl running through a forest. She’s wearing a backpack and seems to be afraid of something. But what? Why does she keep looking back? What is she running from? Is someone chasing her? Or is it something?
“Mommy!” the child screams. She must be lost. Poor little girl, all alone, running from who knows what. Then again, maybe she’s running towards something. Did you ever think of that? Maybe there’s a cotton-candy stand just a half mile ahead and she’s dying for some sugar. Why do you always have to assume that it’s something bad? Maybe she’s racing towards the cotton-candy stand and she’s yelling back at her mother to get a move on. After all, Mom’s the one with the cash: no Mommy, no cotton candy.
On the other hand, what the fuck would a cotton-candy stand be doing out in the middle of nowhere? That’s absurd. Why did you even let me go on with such an inane theory? Do you take pleasure in watching people fail? Is that your thing? Just how long were you going to let me continue with that stupid idea? Three paragraphs? Four? Five? You make me sick.
Anyhow, it turns out, the child is actually running away from something: a herd (or pack or whatever it is) of wild boars. Why? That backpack she’s wearing is filled with about a pound and a half of truffles. Yeah, those boars sure do love them truffles.
And where is Mom during all this excitement? Hanging out in the air conditioned Range Rover, of course. You think she’s going to scuff up her new hiking boots to dig up some disgusting fungi out of the ground? Besides, kids love that kind of shit. Just give them a plastic pail and a shovel and they’re good to go.
Mom glances at her diamond-encrusted watch: It’s almost 2:30. Where the fuck is that stupid kid? If she doesn’t get a move on, they’re going to be late. There are people waiting for those damn truffles! Mom decides the best thing to do is just drive off and teach her daughter a lesson. She starts the car and revs the engine. But just as she’s about to leave, something catches her eye: a cotton-candy stand out in the middle of nowhere! And they have both the pink and blue kind!
Mom turns the car off and makes a beeline for the cotton-candy stand. The man making the cotton candy can’t believe his luck. Two customers! That’s more than he gets all week. Heck, all month! His entire family thought he was insane for opening a cotton-candy stand out in the middle of nowhere. But he ignored their warnings and spent his entire life savings on a power generator and all the other cotton-candy making supplies. And now look who’s laughing now! Well, his family is still laughing, of course. I mean, it’s just one woman and her daughter. How much cotton candy could they possibly eat? Yes, he was basically fucked. Which brings us to the moral of our story: Never open a cotton-candy stand out in the middle of nowhere. You’re much better off selling something like churros.
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