You know how on TV they say “Don’t try this at home”? Well, I tried it at home. And let me tell you, it’s not a good idea.
The first thing I tried was jumping a rocket powered car over Snake River Canyon. Boy, talk about difficult. Do you have any idea how hard it is to even find a rocket powered car? None of the major auto manufacturers sell them. And I couldn’t even find one on eBay. What the fuck? In any case, I had to make my own.
That led to another problem. Ever since the heightened security, it’s become pretty difficult to get your hands on major explosives. Believe me, I’ve tried. I even went down to the dark streets of Koreatown and asked the guys who sell the bootleg DVDs if they could hook me up. No such luck. So I had to settle for what was around the house.
I went to Costco and bought a case of Pam non-stick cooking spray. Then I fashioned two jet packs by taping six cans together and then welding each “jet” to the side of my car. The idea was since the warning says to keep the cans away from open flame, I would set them on fire, jump into my car, and hope for the best.
Did you know that a welding torch is considered an open flame? I didn’t. There I was, welding away, when BLAM! The next thing I know, I’m in the hospital having can shrapnel removed from my face. I suppose I should’ve used a welder’s mask. But I thought my sunglasses would be enough. They have that U.V. protection.
Anyhow, I never did get around to jumping Snake River Canyon. And I doubt I’ll ever try anything I see on TV again. Seriously. As soon as I finish this bowl filled with razor blades and milk, that’s it for me. Oof, talk about indigestion.
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