I had to perform my civic duty last week and I thought I’d share with you what I learned. Keep in mind, this is just based on what I encountered through the L.A. County court system. If you live in a different area, don’t bother reading any further.

OK, are all those other losers gone now? Cool. Let’s get to the review:

ATTIRE: You have two ways to go here: One, you can try to look like a slob, figuring nobody will pick you for the jury. Or, two, you can go for the business-casual look. I, of course, tried the slob route, but it didn’t help. I made it past the first round of jury interviews, even when I was wearing my whimsical grey hoodie. Whatever you end up deciding on, WEAR COMFORTABLE SHOES.

Ladies, I know how important it is for your shoes to match your outfit. Screw that. You are going to be doing a LOT of walking. Leave the heels at home. You will thank me later for the comfortable shoes tip. Trust me.

DRIVE TIME: No matter where you live, be sure to give yourself plenty of time to get to the courthouse. There could be a traffic jam. You could get lost trying to find the courthouse. Or all of the above, as it was in my case.

PARKING: Most likely, the court will tell you to park at 1st and Olive. It’s closer to the courthouse, but it’s a pain in the ass to get out of there sometimes. You also have the option of parking at the Disney Concert Hall parking lot. This is a nicer lot, but you’ll have some hiking to do at the end of the day (more on that later). If you do park in the Disney Concert Hall lot, REMEMBER TO HAVE YOUR TICKET VALIDATED at the end of the day. Otherwise, Mickey and Donald will kick your ass.

THE HIKE: Do you like exercise? Well, you’re certainly going to get some when you do jury duty. The courthouse you’re assigned to will most likely be at least three blocks away. Nevertheless, the walk from the parking lot will be pretty easy. It’s all downhill. Which means, yeah, it’s all uphill on the way back. Of course, these streets aren’t San Francisco steep, but they do require some effort, which is why you need COMFORTABLE SHOES.

THE CHECK-IN: When you get into the courthouse, you’re going to need to go through a security check. So have all of your metal stuff in one pocket ready to take out. And leave your gat at home.

THE ELEVATORS: The elevators near the front only go to the higher floors. Depending on where you need to report, you may have to fight everyone to get on one of the other elevators. Good luck. You’re going to need it.

OUTSIDE THE JURY WAITING ROOM: I don’t remember the official name of this room. I like to refer to it as “Hell On Earth.” If you get here early, you’ll just be waiting with everyone else in the hallway. There’s not much point in it. Still, don’t arrive late. Even though you’re just going to be sitting there and waiting for hours, if you show up late, they’re going to turn you away and tell you to come back tomorrow (as they did with me).

INSIDE HELL ON EARTH: There are some things you can do to make this more bearable. For one thing, find a good seat. They’ll tell you to sit in the front, but don’t listen to them. Take a look around. If you need an outlet for your laptop, find a seat near one. The rows of seats in front may look uncomfortable, but they have flexible backs, so you can sort of recline. This is great for relaxing. But it sucks if you happen to have a large woman with frizzy hair sitting in front of you who likes to recline. Bleh.

GETTING ONLINE: Looking for some free WiFi? Good luck. The only Web access for the lowly jurors can be found in the center of Hell On Earth. You’ll find some computer kiosks there. It’s $5 for one hour of access or $15 for the entire day. Once you sign up, you can check out the latest Yelp Talk threads, sign on to AIM, etc. I tried plugging my flash drive into the computer, but it wouldn’t show up anywhere. Oh well.

THE WAIT: Bring some work to do. If you have no work, bring a book or a magazine to read. Otherwise, you may have to talk to the people around you. About two hours into the wait, you’re going to wish you sat in front of one of those computers and sprung for the $15 to get online. Trust me, you will.

LUNCH TIME: You get an hour and a half for lunch, but I think you spend twenty minutes of that waiting for the elevator to take you down to the first floor. Do what I do. When you’re in the waiting area, you’re allowed to walk out into the hallway to make a phone call. Take that break about fifteen minutes before noon. Then just wait out in the hallway until you see the stampede of jurors coming out the door. When you do, make a mad rush for the elevator. You beat the system!

Remember, you have an hour and a half for lunch. Use it. Don’t spend it choking down food in the cafeteria. Get some exercise (you did wear your comfortable shoes, didn’t you?) and hike up to Grand, just past MOCA. That’s where the good food is, such as Mendocino Farms (they make a killer sandwich).

THE CALL: If they do call your name, you’re screwed. No, I kid. If they call you’re name, it means you’re going to another version of hell, one with less comfortable seats. If they ask you to drop by the window before you go to the courtroom, you’re not in trouble. They just picked you to give the clerk (or whatever they’re called) the list of jurors for roll call. They also might give you a piece of paper to write down the actual time you entered the courtroom after they sent you down. (It was about 30 minutes later, by the way.)

IN THE COURTROOM: This is the grueling part. When they pass out the numbers, hope you don’t get one of the lower ones. Numbers 1 through 12 are OK, because at least you get interviewed first. Plus, you get to sit in the cushier juror seats. The higher numbers have a less likely chance of getting picked, but you have to sit on the hard, spectators’ bench for hours while all the other potential jurors are interviewed. Of course, you have no choice in the matter. So good luck.

DURING YOUR INTERVIEW: Just stick to what you’re supposed to say. We’re all waiting. If you were on a jury before, tell them if you reached a verdict. DON’T TELL THEM WHAT THE VERDICT WAS! It says on the board not to tell what the verdict was, but there’s always some dolt who can’t read. Usually, more than one.

If you want to get out of being on the jury, be an asshole. I found that the assholes were the first ones to be let go. Just say that you don’t care what the law is. If someone is in a gang, they’re automatically guilty of whatever they were charged with. Or you can use my tactic: hesitate when they ask if you can put your feelings aside and look at the facts. And when you say “yes,” don’t look them in the eye. Look off to the side. They’ll think you’re lying.

WANT TO BE ON A JURY? I can’t help you there. I got sent home after the second round of interviews. Just keep in mind that once you’re on a jury, they’re not going to let you park any closer to the courthouse. In other words, if you’re trying to lose weight or want to build up your leg muscles, this might be a great way to do it. However, if you’re like me, a lazy ass, you’re just going to be hating life. Jury duty sucks.

The scene begins in the library of a large English manor. Three men and two ladies sip tea and nibble on scones. NIGEL, a man in his late 40s, dons a tweed sport coat, sweater vest and monocle. PIP is in his early 20s. He wears an all-white tennis outfit. REGINALD is a man in his mid 40s. He has a big, bushy mustache and is dressed in a safari outfit, complete with pith helmet.

NIGEL: “I do say, old chap, Esther is looking quite fetching this evening.”

PIP: “Poppycock, Nigel, it is your wife, Elenore, who is the vision of loveliness.”

ELENORE, a blond woman with pale white skin and rosy cheeks, smiles with her crooked yellow teeth, then lowers her head and sips her tea.

REGINALD: “I would agree with Pip’s opinion. Elenore is, indeed, a delight to behold, and it is a well-known fact that she has never turned down a proposition.”

ELENORE: “Awww g’onnn! Amma a good gulll, ah am!”

NIGEL: “Yes, yes, she can be quite a handful in the boudoir. But, honestly, I would not mind spending a few randy hours with the lovely Esther.”

ESTHER, a blond woman with pale white skin and rosey cheeks nibbles on her scone while she speaks.

ESTHER: “I would not be against such an arrangement, Nigel. But why must we retire to the bedroom chambers to have our fun?”

REGINALD: “You’re not suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?”

ESTHER: “That I am.”

NIGEL: “Sexual relations right here in the library? My god, woman, have you gone mad?!”

ESTHER: “Perhaps. . . Will there be any takers?”

Nigel looks at Reginald, who looks at Pip, who looks at Elenore.

ELENORE: “Amma a good gulll, ah am!”

All the men lunge for Elenore. Pantaloons are are removed. Buttons are released. And soon the copulation begins. Esther, randy as she is, removes her undergarments, and before you know it, the beast with four backs quickly becomes the beast with five backs. Skin smashing against skin, lips on lips, hips and nips.

REGINALD: “Brilliant!”

NIGEL: “Superb!”

PIP: “Smashing!”

ELENORE: “Amma a good gulll, ah am!”

ESTHER: “Oh, this is quite lovely!”

Suddenly, BUSBY, the chimney sweep, enters the room, broom in hand.

BUSBY: “All finished, gov’nor. . . Wellllll, what ‘ave we ‘ere? Looks loik ya got yerself one of them orgies goin’ on.

REGINALD: “Indeed.”

PIP: “Rightfully so.”

ESTHER: “Good heavens!”

NIGEL: “Care to join us, Busby?”

BUSBY: “Well, ya don’ ‘ave ta ask may twoice!”

Busby does a little twirly dance over to the mound of heaving flesh, removes his clothing and finds his way inside something.

BUSBY: “Ahhh now thet’s whut a call me an orgie.”

REGINALD: “Brilliant.”

NIGEL: “Magificent.”

PIP: “Smashing!”

NIGEL: “Indeed it is smashing, Pip.”

PIP: “No, somebody is smashing my hand with their foot!”

ESTHER: “Oh my! I do apologize. Where are my manners?”

PIP: “That’s all right. No harm done.”

The skin slapping continues for some time. Finally, they all collapse and Busby removes his broom.

ESTHER: “Well, that was quite a romp, was it not?”

NIGEL: “Indeed.”

PIP: “Without a doubt.”

REGINALD: “Indubitably.”

ELENORE: “Amma a good gulll, ah am!”

Everyone looks at Elenore.

ESTHER, NIGEL, PIP, REGINALD, BUSBY: “Ah, blow it out yer arse!”

Elenore lowers her head and reaches out for a scone. And . . . SCENE!

Hey there. Sorry about making you wait so long for another entry, but, well, I don’t have any ideas that are worth posting right now. Honestly, my mind has been elsewhere lately. In the meantime, I thought I’d share with you something that I witnessed recently.

Last weekend, while exiting my building, a good friend of mine was attacked by a group of rabid squirrels. They just came out of nowhere. It was pretty strange.

I mean, he didn’t do anything to provoke the attack. He just walked outside and, bam, there they were. One jumped on his head and started scratching at his face, another one attacked his feet, and a three or four of them seemed to hop on just to enjoy the ride.

When it was all over, my friend’s face was badly scratched up and he had over 15 bites on his body. I took him to the emergency room where they bandaged up his face and injected him with all kinds of shit.

I can only imagine what a horrible experience that was for my friend. I’m told that after the bandages are removed, his face will never look quite the same. But all that aside, I’d have to say it was one of the most adorable animal attacks I’ve seen in my life. And that includes the time I saw a pack of lion cubs pouncing on an unsuspecting zoo keeper. Too cute for words. Really.