Being the really cool person that I am, I’m always watching MTV. And one of my favourite programmes is Pimp My Ride. This is where rap artist Xzibit takes cars that aren’t good enough for the junk yard and turns them into something special. At the end of the show, the owner of the car comes to the shop and screams in excitement the moment the vehicle is revealed. Well, that’s usually how it works. Occasionally, things don’t go according to plan. Here’s a transcript from the end of one such episode:
Martin Young enters the garage, a big smile on his face. Xzibit approaches him.
XZIBIT: Yo, when you came to us, Marty, you were riding in some messed up *expletive*. Your 1980 Caddy had a primer paint job and a mother *expletive*ing interior that looked like it was attacked by a gorilla. I think we even found an old banana peel in there.
Martin smiles sheepishly.
XZIBIT: Well, now that’s all about change. Cuz, Marty, we just pimped your ride! Mad Mike, show ‘em what’s it’s about!
The car is revealed. Martin has a shocked look on his face. The car has new burnt-orange paint and custom tear graphics, gold-plated headlight frames and a gold-plated custom grille.
Martin still looks stunned. Xzibit smiles and pulls him towards the front of the car where Mad Mike is waiting.
MAD MIKE: Yo, when we got your car, it didn’t even have a front bumper. But now it’s got a one-of-a-kind, gold-plated personalized grill!
Martin’s jaw drops open.
MAD MIKE: And that’s not all. Check this out.
The name “Marty” appears in chasing lights on the grill.
MAD MIKE: Now all the ladies will be screaming your name.
MARTIN: I really prefer to go by Martin.
MAD MIKE: Yeah, well, check out what Luis did with your paint job. When we first started working on your car, you had nothing but dull primer on it. But Luis gave you a paint job that will make sure everyone notices you. Not only did he give you this custom burnt-orange metallic paint, he gave you his signature tear graphics, making it look like there’s yellow snakeskin underneath.
MARTIN: Hm. Yellow, huh?
Mad Mike looks at Xzibit and Xzibit motions for him to keep going with the tour.
MAD MIKE: But wait until you see the interior. You remember that ripped up leather you had going on in there?
MARTIN: Yeah.
MAD MIKE: Well, check this out!
Mad Mike opens the car door. The seats, the floor, the headliner are all covered in a green faux fur.
MARTIN: Holy *expletive*!
MAD MIKE: Yeah, you like that?
MARTIN: Like it? Are you *expletive* crazy? Who the *expletive* would like this? What the *expletive* were you thinking? Do I look like the kind of guy that would want to drive around in this kind of car?
MAD MIKE: Well, we thought it might help you be more outgoing.
MARTIN: Be more outgoing? Are you *expletive*ing me? With a car like this, I’d be embarrassed to park it in my *expletive*ing driveway!
MAD MIKE: Dude, chill out.
MARTIN: Chill out? Chill out?? Do you have any idea how long it took me to save up for this car? Sure, it looked like hell, but it got me to school and that was all that was important. But now. . . now. . . it’s a *expletive*ing eyesore!
Luis suddenly lunges for Martin. Xzibit and the crew hold him back.
LUIS: You *expletive*ing ungrateful mother *expletive*! I worked for hours on that paint job! I’ll *expletive*ing kick your ass!
Xzibit and the crew manage to calm Luis down. In the meantime, Martin continues to look at the vehicle, slowly moving his head back and forth in disbelief.
MAD MIKE: Should I even go over the sound system with him?
XZIBIT: Yeah, why not.
Mad Mike walks over to the back of the Cadillac.
MAD MIKE: Uh, of course, if you’re gonna be riding in style, you gotta have the sounds to match. So we hooked you up with the best.
He opens the the trunk to reveal it’s packed with the latest sound equipment, not to mention a desktop computer.
MAD MIKE: That’s four 180-watt B4 Helix amps and a PowerMac G5 computer!
MARTIN: What’s the computer for?
MAD MIKE: Well, we understand you’re going to school and need a way to get your work done, so we installed a 20-inch flat-screen monitor in the back seat and a wireless keyboard and mouse.
MARTIN: Hm.
MAD MIKE: What?
MARTIN: Oh, nothing.
MAD MIKE: No, just say it.
MARTIN: Well, the G5 is nice and all. But it’s pretty impractical. I mean, when I want to work, I need to do what, open up the trunk and turn on the computer, then get in the back seat and sit in my car all night while I work?
Mad Mike walks away.
MAD MIKE: I’m going to *expletive*ing kill him!
MARTIN: And what’s with getting me a PowerMac G5? It’s outdated technology. All the new Macs have Intel chips now. Besides, there’s no room in the trunk for anything. I mean, look at all these wires. Who the *expletive* is going to pay to have my car put back the way it was? I want to talk to the manager.
Mad Mike comes running back in with a crow bar. He screams and smashes in the windshield of the pimped-out Caddy.
MAD MIKE: How’s that? Is that better? You like that?
He smashes in the left taillight, then jumps on the hood of the car and stomps on it until it’s destroyed. Someone throws a carburetor at Martin, knocking him to the ground, then Xzibit picks him up by his hair
XZIBIT: You ungrateful mother*expletive*! You want practical? I’ll give you practical. I’m gonna practically kill you!
Xzibit pulls Martin’s arm behind his back, then closes the trunk on Martin’s head. He sits on the trunk while each crew member takes turns literally kicking Martin’s ass. Mad Mike notices the cameraman is still filming and starts approaching him with the crowbar.
MAD MIKE: Turn off the *expletive* camera! Turn it off!
And that’s where the tape apparently ends. Of course, I never actually saw this tape. I just happened upon the transcript. I’m sure the actual video is floating around the Web somewhere. If you find it, please do us all a favor and post it to YouTube. Thanks.