As many of you already know, I became independently wealthy in my early twenties when I developed a line of skin-care products for dogs called Pampered Poochâ„¢. But that’s old news. I have more interesting things to write about . . .

Hm. I know there’s something.

Give me a minute.

Maybe I should’ve thought about this before I started typing.

Oh, my friend just suggested that I tell you about my “unusual” eating habits. He must think it’s funny that I butter my bread on both sides before I ingest it. Either that or he’s talking about Mumford, the guy who chews my food for me.

Oh, don’t give me that look.

It’s not like I employ someone to masticate my meals because I’m lazy. I have a very serious stomach condition which requires every morsel of my food to be properly chewed.

Why not use a blender, you ask? You are obviously not holding a medical degree. That act of chewing does more than just make sure your food can fit down your throat. Your saliva has important enzymes in it that aid the digestion process.

No, really. Look it up. Even if I ran all my food through one of those overpriced Vita-Mix blenders, I’d still have to swish it around in my mouth for a while to break it down properly.

So, yes, I employ a full-time masticator. But it’s a win-win situation. Mumford gets to enjoy all the flavors of a gourmet meal without gaining an ounce. And me? Well, I get the nourishment my body requires, minus all that bothersome chewing.

There. Was that really so interesting? Yeah, I didn’t think so. I promise my next entry will provide a much more intriguing read. And with any luck, it will be slightly less nauseating.

I’d like to apologize to everyone for the last commercial that was posted on my blog. It’s not easy to find advertisers who want to support the kinds of things I write. Fortunately, pharmaceutical companies seem to have no problem with it. However, Zizzaxo, the makers of Podiarrest, may have taken things too far. While the blog entry seemed to be just normal ad copy, it actually contained subliminal messages that would cause readers’ feet to start itching several days after reading it. I have hired a professional to scan the copy and remove all the suggestive words. Of course, the easiest thing to do would be to remove the offending advertisement altogether. But Zizzaxo paid for a five-year run and I already cashed the check. Needless to say, Zizzaxo will no longer be allowed to advertise on this site. Again, I apologize for any discomfort you may have experienced after reading the Podiarrest advertisement. Have a good day.

So, as many of you don’t know, I’ve been growing a beard for a couple of weeks. That said, I went into the men’s room where I work and took my position at the urinal. As I stood there waiting for things to happen, a colleague of mine came in and stood at the urinal next to me.

“You gonna keep growing that thing?” he asked.

I paused for a moment. “We are talking about the beard, right?”

OK, maybe you had to be there. Not that you’d want to be.

Well, things have been going great for my blog. My hits have skyrocketed from a measly 25 a day to a whopping 28! Which means, it’s time to start talking to advertisers. Please take a moment to read what these guys have to say. I’ve never used their product, but it’s helping me remodel my kitchen. Thanks.

This is an advertisement and is in no way associated with, or endorsed by, Smivey, Smivey Inc., Smivey LLC, or any other made-up company names.

Hey there. Have you ever felt a little tickle at the bottom of your foot that never seemed to go away? You try to itch it with a slice of cheese or rub it against a piece of stryofoamâ„¢, but it doesn’t seem to help. If this sounds familiar, you may be suffering from a horrible disease called footitchiness.

Footichiness can strike at any time, without warning, which makes it really scary. I mean, really, you could be anywhere: at the movies, sitting at your desk, sitting on your couch–actually, it always seems to happen when you’re sitting. Why is that? Hm.

But it really doesn’t matter. Because now there’s Podiarrest. With Podiarrest, you can say goodbye to those horrible moments of itchy feet and say hello to life. Just take two Podiarrest tablets exactly five minutes before each meal, followed by 1/4 of a tablet with a cup of unpasteurized goat-milk. After that, you can go about your normal routine, providing it does not involve walking.

Should you accidentally take your first two tablets a bit too early or a few minutes too late, do not be concerned. A mild throat irritation may occur. Swallow one gallon of water immediately and avoid urinating for 24 hours.

As with any drug, side effects are inevitable. These may include, but are not limited to: a shortness of breath, mild painful diarrhea, genital acne, eye bulging, tooth loss and excessive nose-hair growth.

But these side effects are rare and only occur in 4 out of 5 patients. So kick off your shoes and start enjoying life again. Ask your doctor about Podiarrest today. Because even though they went to medical school, only you know what’s best for you.