Looking for something to do over the weekend? A fellow blogger hosts a Fiction Slam that might amuse you. Each month, a picture is revealed and everyone is challenged to write a short story based on it.

Voting for the September Slam closes at the end of October. Why should you give a shit? Two of the entries are mine. Which ones? I’m not telling. Because Blatant Self-Promotion sucks.

Before you send off your next Instant Message, ask yourself these questions:

1) Is the message really so damn important that it has to be received instantly?

2) Will the message irritate your friend, rather than delight or amuse him?

3) Isn’t there something else you should be doing? Such as working, finding a job or writing your next blog entry?

If you don’t know the proper answers to the above questions, carefully fold your fingers towards the center of your palm and punch yourself in the face. Hard.

Feel better?

Look, the point I’m trying to make is this: Instant Messaging is a great way to stay in touch with former coworkers and friends. But that doesn’t mean you should shoot off a note every fucking minute. Be selective. Not everyone has as much free time as you do. Some people have jobs, a family and a social life. Irritating IMers (like me) suck.

Just read an article in the L.A. Times about the Governator meeting with George Dubya. Included is a quote from our Commander and Chief comparing himself to the aging action hero:

“We both married well. Some accuse both of us of not being able to speak the language,” Bush said to laughter and cheers. “We both have big biceps — well, two out of three isn’t bad. We both love our country.”

Excuse me? It’s okay for comedians (okay, everyone else) to poke fun at our president. But when he starts making fun of himself? That’s just a little disturbing. Self-Deprecating Presidents suck.

The thing about sore throats is they kind of creep up on you. On the first day, it’s just a little tickle in the back of your mouth. But by the next morning, your throat feels like Linda Lovelace’s after Take 47. In other words, it’s pretty fucked up.

So, what do you do? You pop some Echinacea Goldenseal and wash it down with a pint of orange juice. You gargle with salt water. You fix yourself a cup of hot tea with lemon. And then you go hunting for the lozenges.

Of course, it’s been months since you last needed a medicated candy. And like most sweets, they tend to deteriorate over time. The lozenges you find gathering dust on top of the refrigerator are no exception.

Each candy has a gummy substance on it that makes it cling to the wrapper like a scab on a wound. Once you finally pry the lozenge from its paper skin (and pick off all the leftover pulp), you pop the sticky candy into your mouth, looking forward to some sweet relief.

Then the real torture begins.

The gooey strands on the candy quickly harden, creating little spikes on the surface of the sweet. Spikes which then proceed to tear up the roof of your mouth, soothing your throat while bruising your palette. Torture then relief. Torture then relief:

“Owww….ahhhhh….Owwww…..ahhhhh….Owwwwwwwww…..ahhhhhhhhhhh”

Sore throats may be a pain in the neck. But Old Lozenges suck.

What the fuck is happening to L.A.? First the grocery workers go on strike. Now, it’s the MTA. Okay, answer me this question: How are the grocery workers supposed to get to the picket line if there’s no fucking public transportation? Just wondering. Simultaneous Strikes suck.

This is not a rant about cashiers or chess’s retarded cousin. It’s about people who still write checks to pay for their groceries.

I’m sorry, is an ATM card just too convenient for you? Perhaps you’d like to switch to a fountain pen? Or maybe ink and quill? Better yet, why not convert all your cash into loose change and carry it around in a fucking Hefty Cinch Sak?

What the hell is wrong with you people? Were you in a coma for fifteen years? Do us all a favor and save the checks for your landlord and your shrink. Checkers suck.

The trouble with Troubleshooting Guides is they never include the tough problems like the ones I have. It’s always something stupid:

Problem: No sound, no picture.

Solution: Check to see if television is plugged in. Make sure set is turned on and volume is turned up.

Duh. What I want to know is why the fucking menu keeps appearing on the screen when I’m not even touching the remote. Explain that one to me, will ya? Do I need to hire an exorcist or what? Troubleshooting Guides suck.

What’s with this recent trend towards adding freeze-dried fruit to breakfast cereals? I’ll admit, on the surface, it sounds like a great idea:

“Hey I’ve got strawberries in my cereal!”

But in reality, it’s more like this:

“What the fuck is this red shit in my cereal, and why is it turning my milk pink?”

At least that was my experience. Don’t get me wrong. I’m usually pretty cool with new additions to my cereal. Nuts? Okay. Raisins? I can take or leave ‘em. Oat clusters? Fine. But I draw the line at desiccated strawberry slices. Freeze-Dried Fruit sucks.

Has this every happened to you? You’re pushing the shopping cart through the supermarket when you suddenly get to this uneven part of the floor. The cart dips down just for a second, throwing off your equilibrium and making you wonder if you’re going to faint. No? I’m the only one? Figures. Shopping Cart Vertigo sucks.

Popcorn, Goobers and soft drinks on ice. What do all of these foods have in common? That’s right. They make a shitload of noise. So why did they become such popular cinema snacks? I have no fucking idea.

It’s like the theaters used a decibel meter to choose the loudest products to sell: Rattling candy in cardboard box? Check. Straw and lid? (sssSCREEECHhh) Check. Plastic candy wrappers? Check. Marshmallows? BZZZZ. Oh! Nice try. You put those marshmallows in a cellophane wrapper and you’ve got yourself a deal.

Movie treats may taste great, but they sound damn awful. Film Fare sucks.