Just what I need, a beautiful woman shedding her clothes in front of me, exposing every inch of her skin, smiling at me like she really wants it. Then, suddenly, the lights come up. The announcer exclaims, “Let’s hear it for Cinnamon!” The horny men cheer. The woman gathers up her cash and scurries of the stage in her dangerously-high heels, leaving me sitting there with a pounding heart, an empty wallet, and an excruciating pain in my jeans. Sounds like fun. But I’ll pass. The Striptease sucks.

I’ve got two words for you: “Got Milk?” Ever since this campaign came out, I’ve seen about a thousand bastardizations of it: “Got Insurance?” “Got Jesus?” “Got Pizza?” Just because an advertising campaign is incredibly successful and spins off t-shirts and merchandise, doesn’t mean that it’s going to work for your business. There’s no such thing as an easy solution to marketing. A lot of thought goes into it. And with the proper strategy, and great creative, that time and energy will pay off. So, even if you don’t want to create an original ad, do us all a favor and just do it (Don’t get me started with that one). Borrowed Brilliance sucks.

How long must a carrot remain in the refrigerator before you can tie a knot in it? At what point does an apple go from crisp and delicious to brown and mealy? When does a grape turn into a raisin? How many weeks does it take for a head of lettuce to become a liquid? These are just a few of the experiments currently being conducted in my ice box. Old Produce sucks.

You know what really pisses me off? These jerk offs who insisit on pulling into an empty lane at the red light. Then, when the light turns green, they don’t drive any faster or any slower than the guy next to them. It’s like a little herd of cars heading up the street, and I’m stuck behind it. Hasn’t anyone heard of adjusting your speed so that you maintain a pocket of air around your vehicle? Fucking idiots. Here’s a crazy idea: If you’re planning on driving the same exact speed as the car next to you, get the fuck out of my lane! Lane Blockers suck.

Will somebody please explain to me the concept of the Jesus fish? I see them on the back of cars all the time, but I have no idea why they’re there. Obviously, I’m not a Christian. So, what’s the idea? Jesus comes back from wherever he’s been and he looks down on the Earth and he says, “Hey, Jesus fish. Nice going. You’re in. Everybody else is going to Hell.” Doesn’t make much sense to me. But who knows, maybe I’ll be wishing I had one of those metalic fish on my car on the day of the Apocalypse.

Now, I have to admit, when I first saw the Darwin fish with the little feet on it, I had a chuckle. Pretty clever. But it’s still stupid. Then came the Jesus fish engulfing the Darwin fish. I guess they’re saying that Jesus will crush any believers of Evolution. Then again, if the Jesus fish is eating the Darwin fish, isn’t that an example of the Darwinian theory of “Survival of The Fittest” ? Now, I’m really confused. Automotive Fish suck.

I took a walk this afternoon to get a little exercise. And during that short, twenty-minute walk, I passed by about four or five couches on the sidewalk. Now, either this is a new, hip trend for people watching, or I’m surrounded by assholes. I’m putting my money on the latter.

So, you got a new living room set. Congratulations. I’d love to see it. But I don’t want to see your fucking old, beat-up, piss-stained couch. And nobody wants it. You think some homeless guy is going to shove it in his shopping cart and wheel it to his cardboard box? Call the Salvation Army or something, you lazy fucks. Free Couches suck.

Okay, I’m admitting it. I like to rant about advertising. Why? Because a lot of it sucks (including my work). So, while I usually don’t like to repeat my topics in my blog, in this case, I’m making an exception.

Yesterday, while I was driving home, I came across a billboard for the new Disney/Pixar film called “Finding Nemo,” or something like that. Disney and Pixar tend to put out some great films: Toy Story. Toy Story 2. Monsters Inc. All good stuff. Unfortunately, their advertising almost always sucks. Case in point: The “Finding Nemo” billboards.

Do they say something clever about the story or the characters? No. They show some picture of the characters and rely on stupid puns for headlines. It’s a movie that takes place in the ocean. So, some jackass copywriter (and I’m being nice here by using that term for this person) comes up with the headline “Sea it.”

Sea it? What the fuck does that mean? Let me tell you something. In general, puns in advertising suck. But bad puns, really suck. You can’t fucking “sea” anything because it isn’t a goddam verb! What’s worse, it doesn’t say shit about the film. Oh, I get it, it’s about water and we should see it. Ha ha ha. Fuck you. Puns suck.

Now, hold on. Before you start bombarding me with messages of how heartless I am, let me try to explain myself. I lost my mother when I was about 15. Well, I didn’t lose her as much as she died. That said, every time Mother’s Day rolls around, people just assume your mom is still alive and kicking. They ask you what you’re doing for Mother’s Day. They tell you what they’re doing. Greeting card commericals remind you to “send the very best.” It’s pretty depressing. I’m just glad my father is still around. Mother’s Day sucks.

I called in sick today. I spent the early morning regurgitating the entire contents of my stomach. When I woke up, I wasn’t sure how I could possibly feel any worse. Then the phone rang. The caller asked for Craig. I said he had the wrong number. He recited a phone number to me and I confirmed that it was indeed mine. Then he started talking about some kind of investment opportunity. He asked if I owned my home. I said I didn’t. He asked who owned the home I was living in. I told him it was an apartment. It was amazing how quickly he hung up. I guess there are benefits to renting. Still, Phone Solicitors suck.